Chronic Ama

I never do resolutions. But, never say never, right?? This year I promised myself I'd spend more time with my friends. I'm happy to report that I have been taking time out at least once a month for that very purpose.  I'm also happy to report that 2016 has been pain free for me. I've started walking again. Running too, until I pulled ligaments in my foot. My weight is down again and my clothes are fitting more comfortably. I've managed to not need any pain medication, anti depressants, anxiety meds or even my metformin. Partly this is due to the fact that I had my last ovary removed the day before Thanksgiving. It was shitty timing, but I was eating pain killers like candy to get through work each day. As much as I wanted to wait on having the procedure done, I'm glad I didn't. The hormone replacement therapy is wonderful and I completely feel like my old self. I'm still a little afraid of waking up one day with a swollen belly and terrible

I think I just fell into some sort of revelation about myself. I think I need to define myself in a sense to achieve a sense of self. Which makes no sense, since I, as a human being, am quite dynamic and any static sense of self makes me uncomfortable. I need to keep changing and growing to be comfortable. I like a challenge and I like reaching goals.  Unfortunately my health seems to be this ugly static entity looming above me. I have forcefully refused to be defined by it, but every day I am reminded about the challenge I have just sort of putting up with it. My growing frustration at things I haven't been able to change is an ugly reminder of being manic depressive. I have been so angry at things I cannot change or control at the very given second they come to fruition.  Not to mention the anger I feel at my ever present hot flashes. I am at the end of my endometriosis treatment after a very long year (2015, I'm talking here), of "dealing" with it. And,

Three days of exercise and watching what I eat down... This shit is cake. What isn't cake is a cat that hates the new puppy and two kids that don't leave the poor puppy alone. I'm tired of trying to make everyone get along. I'm lonely right now and a little sad, but I'll get over it. Or maybe I'll run away. I need a vacation from everything. A nice pool. Some room service. A massage. Sleep. Haha! Yeah, right. Suck it up buttercup. Nurse your knotty muscle and your sore ass cheek (Lupron number three hurt like hell), get some sleep and do it all over again tomorrow. Fine.

Will power is not about refusing dessert for me. I don't deny my indulgences, but portion them instead. Will power was not running tonight and sticking to the doc's advice of taking it slow. But, gawd, my bones ached to run with each step I took. It was so beautiful outside and I craved the wind in my hair. Slow is the name of the game. I'm going to get better and keep my body in check. No more emergency rooms. No more pain. Well,  unless it's the pain the Day after a good work out. Two days of exercise and watching what I eat down. It's cake! I got this! What isn't so easy.... Puppy baths

Day One of getting back into the game. Eating right, exercise, moving forward. Started a round of toridol for pain and inflammation, since after two Lupron injections, I still took a trip to the ER. Third injection is on Tuesday, which is also the last day to take the toridol. Monday, I'll also be making an appointment with a pain management doctor to see what they can do to help. I am more than over pain killers! I'm looking forward to a trip to San Diego in September. It's already booked! It's going to be fabulous! Anyhow, let's see how long I can move forward without tripping on my shoe laces. Who's with me?

Let's see if this blogger app is still a complete fail....

After two percocets, the pain in my back is still so intense, I'm on the couch wide awake. There is absolutely no position I can get comfortable in. To top it off, my stomach has also been so upset that all I've had today is a yogurt and a sandwich. My stomach is growling, but the thought of food is making me nauseated. Just gotta keep sucking it up here. I've actually considered going to the ER just for better pain meds, but I am too exhausted to actually follow through. It's just me and my crazy thoughts tonight. I'm wondering who actually reads this shit. And if you do, who actually cares? If you're up to it, leave a comment here. I haven't had one of those in ages on this blog. It's OK, you can just keep scrolling now....