Chronic Ama

I've been searching for interesting writing prompts for October. I haven't really found any that make me excited to write. I really can't describe jumping in a pile of leaves, because, well, Arizona... or why I love sweaters and boots, because, again, Arizona. The high yesterday as 97 and we hit 99 today before the rain came. I was hoping to open the door and let the cool air and the smell of rain in, but there is no cool air. Maybe we'll cool down the next few days since we're expecting rain. I think tomorrow I'll take out more Halloween decorations. I just have to postpone decorating outside until after vacation. I don't need some asshat stealing my decorations or lights. I really don't trust anyone around here lately. Are you scratching your head wondering what decorations I could possibly take out being as it's pretty much Halloween every day in my house with the life sized skeleton behind the recliner and the bat curtains in the dining room? I

I have no clue what the fuck to write about today. I need a reset to take on the new week and the month of October. Patience while I take a mental refresh.... Maybe I'll edit some of the hundreds of pics I've been hoarding on my flash drive...

I had a terrible brain fart just now. I looked at the date and erased it and retyped Twenty Ninth. I was scared that a lost an entire day (yes I do that on occasion when a migraine strikes, or when I get the flu, or when my pain levels aren't manageable) until I realized it was indeed the 28th today. Maybe in2as trying to speed up the arrival of October as the high today hit 100. That's pretty much fall in Arizona. Hell, I've celebrated birthdays in flip flops and I was born on Thanksgiving. Well, now that I know I didn't lose a day, I guess all is well in the world, right? I did this wonderful, scary thing last night. I volunteered to be vice president of the PTO at my kids school. I really miss being involved in something like that. We dropped Girl Scouts this year (my participation hadn't been that great due to my health anyway) and my son joining a soccer team didn't work out this year due to scheduling issues. I thought really hard about making this commi

It's throat punch Thursday and I've been happily spreading the love all around (in my head) since yesterday afternoon. I hate people. I hate inept receptionists. I hate telemarketers. I hate bad drivers. I hate people that pass me up in traffic to get to the red light faster. I really hope they're in a hurry trying not to shit themselves because they had gas station sushi. I also hate gas station sushi. But I do love hearing about people shitting themselves. I'm not too old to admit a good poop joke tickles my funny bone still. I hate people that run red lights. I hate people that drive too slow. I hate that it's potentially difficult to be excommunicated from the catholic church. I hate that it's socially acceptable to have freedom to express your religious views so long as you believe in god. I hate that my phone wanted to autocorrect and capitalize the g in god when I don't consider it a proper noun. There's nothing proper about that kind of faith.

I fucking love candy corn. I'm sure those of you that know me are well aware of this fact. I'm also sure that a lot of you reading this have stopped. I'm pretty sure candy corn is about as popular as brussel sprouts (which I also love fried with some bacon bits). Today you get to picture candy corn as I complain more about mood. I've gone from ugh to angry, so this is probably coming to an end and thus, a return to normalcy. I also probably need to catch up in sleep a bit. I haven't been sleeping that well and I wake up overly tired in the morning and consume my weight in coffee throughout the day. Right now I'm just counting down to tomorrow, a day I didn't plan anything for, to just relax. No errands, no appointments. I do have an evening engagement, but it won't get in the way of my plans to be in my pajamas until noon. Maybe I will grab a book and get in the pool for a bit. It's still hot enough. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be my res

I just learned that when you upgrade your phone and reinstall the blogger app, it pretty much wipes any drafts you had saved on your previous device. Yes, September Twentieth has been eaten by technology. Let's get on with this... I've been dwelling a lot on the two sides to having a chronic illness. I've been wanting to go back to the summer months when I felt a helluva lot better than I have felt recently. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I have such an interesting mix of good and bad days and they are equaling out a lot lately. I find myself saving my "spoons" a lot these days to sort of build up a wall around my good days and keep them good. You will likely see more of my good days than bad because bad days keep me holed up and hiding in a way. Believe me, it's better that way. Which brings me to the next part of my journey. Currently my return to work is pending. I have been restricted to work no more than 4-5 hours a day, 20-25 hours a wee

Currently waiting at a new OBGYNs office for a HRT consultation. Maybe I won't get told that it's impossible for me to have endometriosis or that there's nothing he can do for me. I'm nervous. I don't usually get nervous with doctors, but today I am. Update: OMG, I love my new OBGYN! He agreed that I very likely have endometriosis lesions and definitely at least have adhesions again. He agreed to start me on progesterone to see if it helps curb the symptoms I'm having.  I haven't really paid too much attention lately just because of everything in my life, but nausea has been quite a big symptom for me. I was actually surprised to see that I've lost some weight in the last few weeks, despite not being on my low carb, healthy eating path. I am not a breakfast person, but a lot of days even lunch is hard to get down. Hell, today I got an order of cheese curds and I wasn't the least bit upset about sharing them with my hungry offspring. I ev

I haven't posted about September being Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome awareness month. This is actually where my health journey started. I was diagnosed with PCOS in spring of 2006. I was immediately put on Metformin to regulate my insulin and try to get my hormones to work normally. It worked, and I was having more and more normal periods, for the first time ever in my life. Then, we decided we should try for a baby. In November 2006, I was told it was not going to be possible to conceive and they started me on more meds to see if it was possible for me to ovulate normally. I was pregnant 4 weeks later. I was one of the lucky ones.  Fast forward to the present. I no longer have ovaries, thus I really don't have PCOS anymore. But, I still have a lot of the hormonal symptoms, which also cross over to the hormonal issues I have with endometriosis. I get cystic acne, which I have started seeing a dermatologist for. I find it more and more difficult to lose weight, alt

I have two unfinished blogs. Unfinished because there are no words to describe to ups and downs I've felt these last few days since you've been gone. I wrote about my anger and my sadness, but that didn't feel real. It didn't feel right. I had been thinking about you that night and that morning before I heard the news. I was thinking it had been too long since I got to see you and hear you laugh. I put off seeing you, not because I didn't want to, but because I wanted to clear my plate to focus on what I could do for you. I should have known that it was an impossible task for me. I know I spread myself thin, and you knew it too. You had told me plenty of times to take it easy, and I'm sure you also knew I am a bit stubborn. I want to be strong for everyone. Well, guess what, I'm still going strong. And you're gone and I'm just a little less stubborn. I was strong all weekend. I got to celebrate so many things while celebrating you in my heart. I ha

Today I think about all the awesome stuff mom's teach us. And it's a smack down to reality when, even at 37, I am still learning from my mom. This last month, she has told me all the things I needed to hear. Things that force me to look at my life from a different perspective because I needed to be reminded that my life is always going to be bigger than me. My mom has given me so much strength through all my life and she continues to do that, without skipping a beat. My mom believes in all the things I can do and pushes me to do them, even when I think I can't. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but if we did, I wouldn't gain that other perspective that I need. (And I hope when my daughter gets older, she realizes this too!) Today we are celebrating my mom's birthday. No, I'll leave her age out of it. It's just a number, right? And does it matter? Birthdays aren't about getting older. Birthdays are about celebrating the day the universe brea

More appointments today. I can't catch a break. My days are busy and I don't want them to be. I am anxiously awaiting vacation in October. Hopefully next week will slow down so I can start making packing lists and all that fun stuff. Today I did my sets is squats. I am going to try some heat when I get home and sit down to pay bills. Maybe I'll be able to hit the treadmill this afternoon and finish with some stretching. I haven't stuck to my plan.  So the treadmill didn't happen and I got hit with fatigue really bad again. Looking at the calendar, it's that time of the month for migraines and all the shit that comes with my phantom cycle. I guess now is where I cross my fingers and hope the preventative meds work their magic so I am not left with a migraine that lasts for days on end. My week is too busy for that.  Tuesday Update: I took my Maxalt (med to abort a migraine) at bed time last time and I pretty much passed out within minutes, like

Yesterday was a long day. I had a bunch of errands to run after seeing my new dentist. But, much to my surprise, dentists have this amazing new tech that enables them to replace a crown in one afternoon. My dentist appointment ended up being over 4 hours with no time for anything else. I also learned that sitting in a dentist chair for that long brings in hellacious spasms in my right leg. I can't help but feel my body is just done with everything. Every step forward these last few weeks still sends me into some kind of flare up. I just can't win, no matter how much I try. And I feel stuck because I still have a lot to do and less and less time to do it. Hell, it's almost noon time and I'm back in bed nursing a headache so it doesn't turn I to a migraine. I'm almost wondering if I should try my new medicine to see if it helps..... I just don't want to be comatose all afternoon. I want to proceed with the day's plans. I'll let you know what h

Thirty-six hours of labor and an emergency C-section, that began with no anesthesia, later, this little nugget came into our lives and made me a happy momma. Not gonna lie, I totally wanted a girl as my first baby. I wanted someone that I could help shape into a strong willed, goal achieving woman much like myself. I think I have succeeded so far as the amount of stubbornness in her soul could move mountains, or root them further into the Earth. Happy Golden Birthday, Angel! I'm sure you're at school right now being the center of attention and basking in the birthday wishes from all around. You were born to be in the spotlight, baby, and I know if you keep pushing, you'll be queen of whatever you set your mind to. The world is big and scary, but you can tame it and make it your own. Nothing's impossible and your strong will can prove that to you and to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise. You have that same magic in your veins that I found in mine and it will se

Happiest of birthdays to my sister wife!! Wishing you an awesome weekend of fun and debauchery!! Can't wait for our date next week!

I'm not currently very happy with Blogger's integration of their mobile app and desktop site. My blog post that I started working on this morning was just eaten. And that's not the first time that's happened. I'm also wholly disappointed in the app. I love using it for blogging on the go, especially on the treadmill, but it has so many glitches, it's annoying. I cannot post pictures to my blog from the mobile app and that sucks. Bitching aside, today I had a couple epiphanies. Is that allowed? Can someone really have more than one in a 24 hour period? Is that why my anxiety showed up after these lovely, revealing moments in my day? First, I have been keeping track of what I do every day and how I feel at the end. I've come to the conclusion that about 4 hours of activity (cleaning, shopping, just being up and on the go) is about all I can handle right now. I'm hoping to increase this a bit so I can be functional when I go back to work. I would like t

Today is a special birthday post all about my little nugget of joy! Happy Birthday Loki! Today you're 7 and I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It took a lot to get you here safely and every day I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to have you, even when doctors said it was impossible. Nothing's impossible and you're the living, breathing example of that! I love that you are so bright and you have such a passion to build things. You have such a big heart and are willing to help everyone and anyone. Never let that go! You will do great things in life. Always make the right choices, and even when you don't, have the mind to examine why. Life never gets easier, but it can be fulfilling and full of fun and happiness as long as you keep choosing those things every day. Work hard, but love harder.  These are some of the things that I hope to always show you. I love you, little dude. Today is going to be, in your words, EPIC!

Tuesday has not been looking any better than the past few days. I cracked my damn crown last night, but luckily I see a new dentist this week. I'm pretty sure my old dentist cracked it the last time I got my teeth cleaned and it's been wearing out ever since. And if you know me, you know I love dentist visits, but hate teeth. Ugh, my skin crawled when I spit out the chipped corner of my crown. In other news, we were up most of the night with Bellini as she caught another stomach bug. This has not been her year for stomach bugs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't pass it on to Loki or me. I will also be spending time with my trusty canister of Clorox wipes today. As for my stubborn body, I woke up so damn achy today, likely from listening intently every time the bathroom door shut. I took Aleve and am currently slowly walking on the treadmill to warm up my legs for some stretching. I really need to push over the hump of this flare up so it can go aw

September has not been off to a great start. I've been in a flare up since Saturday morning. I knew it was coming on too, but I ignored the warning signs. I was getting ready to go grab donuts for breakfast (gimme a break, we were still celebrating my husband's return home) and I felt like I was being stabbed just above the pubic bone, closer to my hip. It's a searing pain that catches you off guard. My first C-section was started with no anesthesia and a worn off epidural and when they started cutting on the left side, I felt everything! And yeah, the pain was like that. I went to the bedroom to sit down and catch my breath for a few seconds, not sure if it was going to go away or keep coming on. It finally went away in about 3 minutes, which felt like an eternity, especially because I was holding my breath and holding back a few tears. I was just sore, so I took a few steps toward the bedroom door. I could walk, so I should be fine, right? The pain came and went for the