Chronic Ama

I read an article recently about "unicorn moms." No, really. Someone wrote that shit. Because some twit out there thinks I want to be compared to a horse with a horn growing out of its fucking head. OK, I'll bite the click bait because I'm curious if a mom with a subcutaneous hunk of keratin protruding form her fucking forehead is anything like the one with the giant cystic zit on her chin from all the stress in her life. Unicorn moms drink and curse and don't care of their precious little brat gets a skinned knee once in a while. Oh Em Gee! So fucking eye opening, right? Why is there such a pretentious desire to squeeze women who have popped out a little crotch demon into these ridiculous categories. Fuck it, I want to be an asshole mom. Does that make it any better? No it doesn't. Here's why. Today I rocked the fuck outta my khaki linen plazzo pants from Old Navy, clean hair for the week, and my messenger bag with a giant fucking goat head pentag

The unbearably hard pull out bed was my constant reminder of all the times he did this for me. The lack of sleep I was already familiar with. My son said it smelled too much like hospital. I guess that's the only way yo describe this place.  We officially started Mark's Bionic Back Journey on the morning of June 3rd. It was a Monday. The Monday-est Monday that ever Monday-ed. No, really. Who the hell wants to start off their week with a large incision into their lower back to fuse to vertebrae together? I sure as shit don't wanna. I think two C-sections, a hysterectomy and a plethora of other surgeries have been a sufficient quota.  How did we get here? Well, around January 2018, Mark threw his back out (my husband, for those of you not totally in the know). It was actually a normal occurrence in his life (and mine too, I guess). I can recall plenty of times I've had to help him into the tub or out of a chair because said back was thrown out. This time was

There are distinctly two different mes. I am forced to love them both. One side can get out of bed in the morning, have coffee,get dressed. The other me can't lift her legs out of bed. Shes a prisoner in her own body. Shes so full of medication, the world spins around her. She uses all her strength to shower. The first shower in two days. Her hair has finally been washed. She rubs body cream all over, even though her own hands on her skin hurt. The movement hurts. Standing becomes difficult. A clean dress instead of pajamas just to feel somewhat normal. Back in bed she goes. The next hurdle is to rehydrate. She fights back tears many times today. Sometimes the tears win. She's back in bed now, just wishing she could find the strength to get out of bed again. Comb her hair. Try to eat. She wants her children home with the normal her. She wants another dinner like last night. Happy. Healthy. Living. Because today isn't living. Today is trying. Coping. A test of w

My son is very smart. He's a little sponge. And he's also an open heart, ready to just spew love. So, today he went to the school office complaining of diarrhea, the one thing they have to take his word for. Can't really check to see if the mud butt is in swing or not, right? My mom brought him home so I could take care of him. I needed to mend his heart a little. He's been afraid of losing me. He sees the sadness in everyone's heart since Tata has passed and he is so very afraid of that kind of sadness. He sees my mom sad because she lost her father. He sees his mother sick a lot lately. He has correlated the two, even though they are very different things. I feel a little lost explaining death to my son. I don't want to see him so sad or so scared. I want him to be able to move forward and love life like I know he can. I know we are all healing right now and I just hope I can help heal him a little more. I want to calm his fears and set his mind at ease

I made it to the bookstore today. I didn't find what I wanted, but the chickens found more than their allotment. They each came home with three more books to add to the piles they received for Christmas. My only glorious find was a valentines gift for my husband. I should hide it in the pantry, where he can never find anything. We came home and I forced everyone outside. Today has been the first nice day in a bit. Southern Arizona got a taste of winter and it was like your least favorite vegetable.  The kids started with a volcano science experiment set. I really hope I'm not cooking anything that calls for vinegar anytime soon. I can't get the smell out of my nose, or the kitchen or the outside trash can.  I started out with a Coke Zero. I was bored, which is the one thing I cannot stand to hear anyone complain about. Then, as quickly as the sun warmed me up, I remembered that I had this grand idea for painting the porch posts. I had even picked up acrylic paints when

Today is election day. I'm actually finishing my mail in ballot this morning and dropping it off at the polling place up the street. October got away from me because I was busy having fun. Plus, I think I needed the pressure of last minute to make my decisions. There's just too much going on in the world today. I actually may even watch the news later to see what's going on with the results. It's also a good thing to be an example for my kids. They'll be voting someday too.  Aside from voting today, I'm home with the LokiDoki monster who has a fever. I've decided that I'm going to let his fever run its course today. He needs to be better for school tomorrow. I've also had the sore throat for 24 hours now. I might as well rest up with him. I forgot to schedule my B12 shot last month, so my immune system may have taken a hit. I hate getting sick with everything. I'm glad the B12 shots have helped since I started them in March, after getting

I've decided to leave yesterday's blog as an abandoned draft. Sometimes I need to do that to grow from what I've written. It wasn't very nice. It was a whole lotta me being unhappy with work and feeling stuck. I have come to terms with the fact that I can't change it. I can't magically take the stress away and return my happy work family to a time before so much discontent. I believe that while each one of us does contain the power to change things if we so wish, there are some things we cannot change. Those that fail to bend usually break. Work is broken. It's toxic and I cannot be part of the redeeming forces that may or may not eventually bring back the bend that is so necessary to excel in anything.  Moving on now... I had another amazing day today for two reasons. One reason being that I had a follow up appointment with my new OBGYN. My bloodwork is all great (normal). No thyroid problems! Normal blood sugar. No more low potassium. I think my

Today we had an early birthday celebration and we celebrated in style... Dia De Muertos style! We had tacos for dinner, followed by my first viewing of the movie "Coco" and finishing off with my homemade Pan de Muerto and other delicious pan dulce. Happy birth month, Jon! The highlight was actually finally watching "Coco," which I had been putting off for months and months for fear of becoming a ugly crying mess. I do that on occasion and I had heard time and time before that this movie was a tear jerker. And guess what? I cried just a little bit. It was such a fun movie! So colorful and also the source of my new favorite thing to sing to my kids when they make me "un poquititito loco," which is pretty much every day. It left me wondering, why do abuelitas always look so so angry in pictures? And I have pictures of abuelitas from multiple generations to back this up! (Thanks to my ancestry project a few years back.) It is just because a woman's j

Today I think about all the awesome stuff mom's teach us. And it's a smack down to reality when, even at 37, I am still learning from my mom. This last month, she has told me all the things I needed to hear. Things that force me to look at my life from a different perspective because I needed to be reminded that my life is always going to be bigger than me. My mom has given me so much strength through all my life and she continues to do that, without skipping a beat. My mom believes in all the things I can do and pushes me to do them, even when I think I can't. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but if we did, I wouldn't gain that other perspective that I need. (And I hope when my daughter gets older, she realizes this too!) Today we are celebrating my mom's birthday. No, I'll leave her age out of it. It's just a number, right? And does it matter? Birthdays aren't about getting older. Birthdays are about celebrating the day the universe brea

Thirty-six hours of labor and an emergency C-section, that began with no anesthesia, later, this little nugget came into our lives and made me a happy momma. Not gonna lie, I totally wanted a girl as my first baby. I wanted someone that I could help shape into a strong willed, goal achieving woman much like myself. I think I have succeeded so far as the amount of stubbornness in her soul could move mountains, or root them further into the Earth. Happy Golden Birthday, Angel! I'm sure you're at school right now being the center of attention and basking in the birthday wishes from all around. You were born to be in the spotlight, baby, and I know if you keep pushing, you'll be queen of whatever you set your mind to. The world is big and scary, but you can tame it and make it your own. Nothing's impossible and your strong will can prove that to you and to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise. You have that same magic in your veins that I found in mine and it will se

I'm not currently very happy with Blogger's integration of their mobile app and desktop site. My blog post that I started working on this morning was just eaten. And that's not the first time that's happened. I'm also wholly disappointed in the app. I love using it for blogging on the go, especially on the treadmill, but it has so many glitches, it's annoying. I cannot post pictures to my blog from the mobile app and that sucks. Bitching aside, today I had a couple epiphanies. Is that allowed? Can someone really have more than one in a 24 hour period? Is that why my anxiety showed up after these lovely, revealing moments in my day? First, I have been keeping track of what I do every day and how I feel at the end. I've come to the conclusion that about 4 hours of activity (cleaning, shopping, just being up and on the go) is about all I can handle right now. I'm hoping to increase this a bit so I can be functional when I go back to work. I would like t

Today is a special birthday post all about my little nugget of joy! Happy Birthday Loki! Today you're 7 and I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It took a lot to get you here safely and every day I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to have you, even when doctors said it was impossible. Nothing's impossible and you're the living, breathing example of that! I love that you are so bright and you have such a passion to build things. You have such a big heart and are willing to help everyone and anyone. Never let that go! You will do great things in life. Always make the right choices, and even when you don't, have the mind to examine why. Life never gets easier, but it can be fulfilling and full of fun and happiness as long as you keep choosing those things every day. Work hard, but love harder.  These are some of the things that I hope to always show you. I love you, little dude. Today is going to be, in your words, EPIC!

Tuesday has not been looking any better than the past few days. I cracked my damn crown last night, but luckily I see a new dentist this week. I'm pretty sure my old dentist cracked it the last time I got my teeth cleaned and it's been wearing out ever since. And if you know me, you know I love dentist visits, but hate teeth. Ugh, my skin crawled when I spit out the chipped corner of my crown. In other news, we were up most of the night with Bellini as she caught another stomach bug. This has not been her year for stomach bugs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't pass it on to Loki or me. I will also be spending time with my trusty canister of Clorox wipes today. As for my stubborn body, I woke up so damn achy today, likely from listening intently every time the bathroom door shut. I took Aleve and am currently slowly walking on the treadmill to warm up my legs for some stretching. I really need to push over the hump of this flare up so it can go aw

No, I didn't forget about you. I was busy enjoying my weekend with my family. We went on a mini adventure on Saturday to the Arizona State Museum and then to lunch at The Fix. I highly recommend The Fix for your mac 'n cheese fix. It wasn't crowded and the food was yummy. Perfect for a cheat day! Haha! I've almost survived the first day of my husband being away for work. I don't know if I'll survive the night. I don't sleep well alone. I think maybe Azra will have to snuggle with me tonight. Or, maybe I'll just pass out watching Netflix at some ungodly hour. I'll let you know what happens. My leave of absence was approved! I'm just waiting on seeing my primary doctor next week to have paperwork finalized. I indeed feel like a weight was lifted. Now I have time to focus on getting better (again) and going on to the next step in this plan of mine. You're going to have to wait for it, though. It's a lengthy process. I'm making toda

Four days of feeling tired, pained and sick and I'm finally starting to feel normal again. I actually can't wait to get back into the routine of the week on Monday. But, yes, until then I will be taking it easy and resting all I can. We have a movie planned and baths and facials for the afternoon. Dinner will be sirloin steaks on the grill and veggies. I'm getting to enjoy some time outside this afternoon. It's not as hot out and laying in the pool and watching the clouds is so soothing. I am wondering when we'll get more rain. Tomorrow we'll get to spend some time planning the kids birthday party next month. We have our vacation planned for October this year, when the kids are on fall break, instead of in September when they'd have to miss school. Oddly, I have nothing to really muse about today. Just kinda taking things as they come and mentally preparing for next week. My brain is a little quiet today. Usually happens when I don't feel well.

Two days of rest and I'm still feeling like hot garbage. I caught a cold/sinus infection on top of everything. I got all ready for work today and went to take my kids to school only to find that the car ride makes me seriously dizzy. So, no driving for me today. I also am starting to have an endo flare. My legs feel like there's weights wrapped around them. My stomach is not happy with me. My back is mildly spasming. I hate my body sometimes. Yes, it's my body and I don't get another one, but this is rough. I had been feeling so good. And, I admit, maybe pushing myself a little too much. But I think a little push shouldn't send me spiraling down. I don't want to feel good and then just keep slow and steady. I want to feel good and keep going. This is where all my fear comes from. It's not even the pain I'm afraid of anymore. It's just the wide array of symptoms that seem to pop up without rhyme or reason. And then there's the guilt. Guilt is su

I set my alarm for 6pm today instead of 6am. I'd like to thank my bladder for getting me out of bed at 6:09. I made it to work early enough to set up to take care of my team today. It was a beast of a day. I ended the day with fatigue that I hadn't had in a while. My stomach was upset again too. I'm totally sure it was just being on the go all week that did me in. My Endo wasn't happy with that. I need some extra sleep and relaxation tomorrow so I don't start getting a migraine or a total flare day. I'd like to stay away from days like that all I can. As for what I ate today.... I went ahead and had some yummy Jimmy John's at work along with some chocolate chip cookies. I skipped dinner since my tummy wasn't happy. I tried to make it happy with Tums, but that didn't work. I have to plan my meals next week and I will definitely be packing lunch and making sure I take time to eat, thus preventing chicken nuggets and diet coke afternoons. To

Greetings from the pool that I have all to myself today. Music is going, got my delicious vanilla and cranberry iced tea. I should have brought a book too. It's ok, I can work on blog content while I work on my tan. That in itself is comical, because if you know me at all, I'm quite happy being pale. And I bathe in sunscreen. I keep it next to the pool too.  I'm also trying to decide what else to do today. I took off my stiletto nails this morning and I feel a little naked now. Might just leave them natural for a few days and then use the last of my UofA wraps since it's that season. You know, I start getting a little lonely when I have the house to myself. It's the social butterfly in me that needs the company. I wish my brain would just let me enjoy the break. Oh! I see a new doctor this week. My "regular" OBGYN was doubtful I still had endometriosis. I even explained that I had photos and a pathology report that proved otherwise. She also

I'm laughing pretty hard to myself right now. Not only because it's 8:15pm and I'm finally getting a break today after hitting the ground running at 5:30 this morning, but because of something odd that my son encountered at school. He was wearing a baseball cap with a skull on it and got stopped in the hall at school to be reminded to remove his hat indoors AND to be told he wasn't allowed to wear anything with skulls on it. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Wrong kid to tell that to! If only the knew my affection for skulls. My kitchen in covered in them. My bathroom too. My bedroom and my living room. And I have one tattooed on me. My daughter has name stickers with skulls on her school supplies. My son also has a Misfits button on his bag... WITH SKULLS! Why no skulls? Oh, don't worry, I emailed the assistant principal my inquiry. I anxiously await his answer. Maybe I should invite him over for tea... served in my skull cups and stirred with my skull spoon. And serve crudité on my s

I woke up at 5am with the worst anxiety. I think last night's tired and cranky children episode did me in. My daughter argued about wearing basketball shorts for gym. She packed yoga pants in 110 degree heat. And it's my fault. My son needed a hair trim, which I have almost successfully completed previously. This evening, he wasn't having it. He currently has a partial new hair style that we will be fixing after school. Wiggly boys and clippers don't mix. I'm never touching his hair again. Today I'm aiming for a better day and keeping my stress in check. I have plenty of super strong home made cold brew coffee to get me through. Back on the treadmill this evening!!! I'm so excited! It's been since Saturday and I missed this time to clear my head and get a workout in. I never would have thought that I would ever enjoy working out. But, it really does go to show that when you change your outlook, things become more enjoyable. Dinner is sausag