Chronic Ama

I tell you every day how much I love you and I will never stop. You have been there with me to hell and back, time and time again. Those trips aren't even worth recounting unless it's to remind myself just how much you mean to me.  You hold my hand through every step I take in this life. You are quick to pick me up every time I fall. You bandage my scraped knees and kiss my aches and pains away. Love is the best medicine I have ever had and you give me an abundance of it. I love to just look at you sometimes. I can get lost in your eyes, they're the most gorgeous green that I've ever seen. They truly are little windows to your soul, so full of the universe and everything that entails. I like to point out the ways you've changed through the years we've been together. The little white hairs in your beard remind me that we're growing old together. They match the silvery strands in my hair that I have chosen to keep dying away. Maybe one day I'll

I dont know why things like this are so hard to say face to face. Maybe its because through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, words fail to do any justice to emotions and feelings. Words are just a filler between holding you tight and wiping away my own tears. Words don't form well between sobs and the need reach deeper and deeper for strength. I want you to know you are strong. You are one of the strongest women in my life. It is amazing looking up to you. It's just as amazing trying to figure out your strength. I want you to know that I can never be truly mad at you for anything. Its just these horrible emotions. I don't know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell to get them out of me. And then I want to drown them down down down where they fail to exist. I want you to know that I see you in me every day. I don't know if it's a gift or a curse to love so purely that every atom of your being is reaching out to help everyone. It's

The pantry was definitely my inner self forcing me to live that metaphor. I feel like everything is a mess right now. There's so much going on. So much noise. So much on my plate. We've gotten through this before. It's the little victories that pull us through. Saturday evening and ran a quick errand to pick up some much needed medicine. I ran into an old coworker that really brightened my day. It was nice to see someone that I enjoyed working with. It was even super cool that she wished me a happy birthday, remembering that our birthdays are a day apart. It's those little details that people remember that make you feel good. After the nice conversation, I headed home. On the corner of the street on the way home I see a little blonde girl with her dad standing, holding a Girl Scout Cookie sign. It immediately made me think of my Bellini and her dad. They were such a perfect cookie selling team. It's been bittersweet not selling cookies this year. I had to stop a

Last night I lay in bed, wide awake, thinking and feeling everything in my life at all once. I felt like that evening last week when the sky was dark and grey all day and then, ever so slowly, the clouds opened up to reveal the sunset. One by one, an aura of beauty was revealed as each color shone in the sky. It was yellow and then orange. Pink arched through the clouds as they turned to purple. Then the last bit of blue shone through before it darkened into the night sky. I felt every color rushing through me as an emotion. Anger. Grief. Pain. Solace. As the stars began to shine through their blanket of dark, I began to match each point with something in my mind. I still don't know how to feel, but I know I felt that sunset and then a pinch of light with each star in the sky.

  I've been doing that thing again where I start to write, but then the idea gets lost somewhere and I never finish it. My list of drafts is getting pretty long. At least I have quite a few tidbits to read through in case I ever need an idea, right? I've been thinking about blogging about how my make-up routine changes drastically the more my "spoonie" days show up. Honestly, there isn't a thing in life that endometriosis hasn't changed. It's overwhelming to think about. I've been sort of breaking things down in my head. Make-up for starters. The way I dress has changed. The things I eat changes weekly sometimes. Relationships and friendships change. Really, this list can get huge.  I'm sure you know by now that I love make-up, especially make up in bold, different colors that I can play with. I live by the idea that a day without eyeliner is a day wasted. I like my eyeliner, but there's just some days that getting on face cream i

I have the house to myself for a spell. I put on makeup and another new dress to test run today. Then, I decided to clean and purge the pantry. I've found strange (to me) things: 4 opened bags of powdered sugar . The need to wear an apron to complete this task. Nuts seeds and sugar free chocolate.... all the low carb snacks I learned to love and then dismissed as soon as Halloween crept near. Extra dry vermouth because I forgot that i can make a pretty good classic martini. 10 bag clips not attached to anything. And finally, a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt for a long time.

I long to be on the go, to be outside in the warm January sun. I want to finish all the things I've started today.... the laundry in the washer, dryer and couch. The dishes in the sink from breakfast and the freezer meal prep this morning. The pantry in need of a clean out to make dinner menus and put away today's groceries. The little details I've started in the patio in acrylic paint. Lastly, my planner in need of my inked ideas for getting through the next week and a half so I can begin planning my recovery. I feel robbed and almost victimized by my illness right now. More so because it feels more than evident that something else is at play. My feet and hands hurt badly. Last night, I clung to my husband's chest as the lower part of my back tightened and released again and again for what seemed like endless moments. I held back my tears because I didn't want to ruin our evening vegetation ritual that we both desperately need through the week. I watch little old