Chronic Ama

"The feelings I have will haunt me 'til I'm mad" It takes a cold, rainy, gloomy day to throw my universe back into alignment. Maybe not totally, but it's well on its way to being repaired. Each day is a fresh start, right? I just need to keep that in mind. I also have coffee dates planned, cookies to sell and a To Do list to knock the fuck out, which should all keep me in line. I will report that after nearly two weeks of utter crap with La Paloma Academy, my wonderful daughter is able to transfer to Sonoran Science Academy. This lifted a lot of the weight on my wings. I know no school is perfect, but with the rigorous academics and the inclusion of parent involvement, my gut tells me this is the right move. Of course, there are still decisions to be made and forward progression to take note of. But, today, I'm in a far better place than I was yesterday. And I didn't even need a Xanax! I need to finish enjoying the rain and the cold and

I go to bed every night thinking the next day will be better. I'll get more done. I'll be motivated. I'll watch what I eat a little better. I'll be a little happier. I'll be prepared for life. Then, I wake up, start my day, and life just seems to shove me back down to this terrible place that I cannot break away from. I have never been the insanely angry and aggressive type. I've been mean, hella moody, bipolar, sad, upset, lonely, pissed off... and now I'm all that rolled into a ball of aggression and anger. I just want to lash out so very badly. I want to start pushing everyone away and just letting all the awful mean things I hide come to the surface. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Will all be well or will I lash out and be the mean me hidden beneath?

I totally have this working out thing down. I really have not been able to reign in my appetite, though. I think I love food tooooooo damn much! That doesn't mean I'm going to give up, though. I'm going to keep trying every day to eat just a little less. I wonder if it will help to completely plan out my day, including snacks. I have a pantry full of great options. Maybe I will set aside some time tonight doing that. I also prolly need to make a quick grocery trip for a few things. I'm out of vanilla yogurt and I just can't make my berry oatmeal smoothies without it! Here's to another awesome week ahead of us! And... Girl Scout cookies... that's a blog for another day... like, tomorrow.

I had my perfect day off outlined in my head this morning... Drop kids off at school.... Hit the gym... Pay some bills... Take a shower and then a nap. I'm certain that by now you've guessed that has not at all happened. Well, I did get the bills paid finally at least. My rough and tough little boy took a fall yesterday and woke up this morning with his knee bruised and swollen and limping around. Alright, he did milk it for all it was worth, but we decided to play it safe and hit urgent care. HOURS later, we confirm it's just badly bruised and he needs to keep it wrapped and ice it for a few days. Now I'm on my third load of laundry and need to pick up my Angel from school. I also have yet for that steamy shower. Don't worry, I've kissed the nap goodbye. Damn.

I think I finally figured out what the hell I'm doing wrong when it comes to taking care of myself. After months of contemplating where the fucking glitch in the matrix was, I figured it the fuck out today. I. Can't. Take. A. Fucking. Break. No, really. I can't. I seem completely incapable of relaxing or taking more than a few minutes to recoup. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and I finally think I can stop. See, what happens is that I like to keep busy and keep going and to have everything perfect. I very well could have come home and relaxed or iced my shoulder or made myself an icey cold diet coke. But, I didn't. I took on project after project and integrated snack after snack. Like, since I couldn't stop for a break, I might as well just reward my hard working ass with a snack. And then another snack and then left over egg rolls. Seriously, this is some shit that I have dug myself into. Tomorrow I am clearing my calendar except for a gym date and finish

I guess it's time to dust off the old blog again. On top of journaling again too. I need the little moments of release throughout the day. Plus, I'm nursing my broken wing. I hate my shoulders. I have hooked acromion, with my right shoulder being just a little bit worse. My first gym work out (in about 12 years) was amazing, but I'm paying for it with an ice pack.  Don't worry, I'm not giving up! Just going to take it a little easy.  I may also need butt rubs from all the running and deep cleaning I've been doing at home. I'm so glad the holidays are over.