Chronic Ama

My son is very smart. He's a little sponge. And he's also an open heart, ready to just spew love. So, today he went to the school office complaining of diarrhea, the one thing they have to take his word for. Can't really check to see if the mud butt is in swing or not, right? My mom brought him home so I could take care of him. I needed to mend his heart a little. He's been afraid of losing me. He sees the sadness in everyone's heart since Tata has passed and he is so very afraid of that kind of sadness. He sees my mom sad because she lost her father. He sees his mother sick a lot lately. He has correlated the two, even though they are very different things. I feel a little lost explaining death to my son. I don't want to see him so sad or so scared. I want him to be able to move forward and love life like I know he can. I know we are all healing right now and I just hope I can help heal him a little more. I want to calm his fears and set his mind at ease

Two days of rest and I'm still feeling like hot garbage. I caught a cold/sinus infection on top of everything. I got all ready for work today and went to take my kids to school only to find that the car ride makes me seriously dizzy. So, no driving for me today. I also am starting to have an endo flare. My legs feel like there's weights wrapped around them. My stomach is not happy with me. My back is mildly spasming. I hate my body sometimes. Yes, it's my body and I don't get another one, but this is rough. I had been feeling so good. And, I admit, maybe pushing myself a little too much. But I think a little push shouldn't send me spiraling down. I don't want to feel good and then just keep slow and steady. I want to feel good and keep going. This is where all my fear comes from. It's not even the pain I'm afraid of anymore. It's just the wide array of symptoms that seem to pop up without rhyme or reason. And then there's the guilt. Guilt is su

He said he drew a balloon because they see so much when you let them go. It gave me a different perspective on how I view myself in this dynamic life I live that always proves to be static and cyclical. I can't accept change because I haven't accepted myself. But yet, the balloon drifting in the wind doesn't change. It's still a balloon drifting up and over and around. That's the step I am missing. I don't have to change, I just need to see things different ways, look at different things. Take a step back and breathe. I'm always over explaining myself. My illness. I let it define me too much, but really how else do I deal with something that will never go away? I don't need anyone to understand, but yet I push for their understanding. I am so frustrated with myself that I think if I can explain and make sense out loud, maybe it'll be ok. I know I can't get any of the bad days back and make them better. But, I can make the best out of the good