Chronic Ama

It's been 8 days since surgery. I'm finally starting to have good days with minimal pain and discomfort. I finally started to tackle my "to-do" list today and checked a few things off. I'm hoping to file my taxes next week and get that shit out of the way, as long as my W2 from work makes it here. After completing a few things today, I realized I'm at the mercy of my emotions lately. I am still dealing with depression and slight anxiety. I am still not sleeping too well. Just when I find the right combo of meds to take before bed, it all goes out the window. Sometimes I come out of a deep sleep thinking about my grandfather. I wake up disoriented and my heart is sad, yet I don't feel the need to cry. Sometimes I wake up with breakthrough pain, even just hours after taking my nightly meds. It strikes me out of no where and I wake up worried that I will need to go to the hospital. Falling back asleep is difficult when you refuse to go to the ER, but th

My son is very smart. He's a little sponge. And he's also an open heart, ready to just spew love. So, today he went to the school office complaining of diarrhea, the one thing they have to take his word for. Can't really check to see if the mud butt is in swing or not, right? My mom brought him home so I could take care of him. I needed to mend his heart a little. He's been afraid of losing me. He sees the sadness in everyone's heart since Tata has passed and he is so very afraid of that kind of sadness. He sees my mom sad because she lost her father. He sees his mother sick a lot lately. He has correlated the two, even though they are very different things. I feel a little lost explaining death to my son. I don't want to see him so sad or so scared. I want him to be able to move forward and love life like I know he can. I know we are all healing right now and I just hope I can help heal him a little more. I want to calm his fears and set his mind at ease

I dont know why things like this are so hard to say face to face. Maybe its because through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, words fail to do any justice to emotions and feelings. Words are just a filler between holding you tight and wiping away my own tears. Words don't form well between sobs and the need reach deeper and deeper for strength. I want you to know you are strong. You are one of the strongest women in my life. It is amazing looking up to you. It's just as amazing trying to figure out your strength. I want you to know that I can never be truly mad at you for anything. Its just these horrible emotions. I don't know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell to get them out of me. And then I want to drown them down down down where they fail to exist. I want you to know that I see you in me every day. I don't know if it's a gift or a curse to love so purely that every atom of your being is reaching out to help everyone. It's