Chronic Ama

There are distinctly two different mes. I am forced to love them both. One side can get out of bed in the morning, have coffee,get dressed. The other me can't lift her legs out of bed. Shes a prisoner in her own body. Shes so full of medication, the world spins around her. She uses all her strength to shower. The first shower in two days. Her hair has finally been washed. She rubs body cream all over, even though her own hands on her skin hurt. The movement hurts. Standing becomes difficult. A clean dress instead of pajamas just to feel somewhat normal. Back in bed she goes. The next hurdle is to rehydrate. She fights back tears many times today. Sometimes the tears win. She's back in bed now, just wishing she could find the strength to get out of bed again. Comb her hair. Try to eat. She wants her children home with the normal her. She wants another dinner like last night. Happy. Healthy. Living. Because today isn't living. Today is trying. Coping. A test of w

The pantry was definitely my inner self forcing me to live that metaphor. I feel like everything is a mess right now. There's so much going on. So much noise. So much on my plate. We've gotten through this before. It's the little victories that pull us through. Saturday evening and ran a quick errand to pick up some much needed medicine. I ran into an old coworker that really brightened my day. It was nice to see someone that I enjoyed working with. It was even super cool that she wished me a happy birthday, remembering that our birthdays are a day apart. It's those little details that people remember that make you feel good. After the nice conversation, I headed home. On the corner of the street on the way home I see a little blonde girl with her dad standing, holding a Girl Scout Cookie sign. It immediately made me think of my Bellini and her dad. They were such a perfect cookie selling team. It's been bittersweet not selling cookies this year. I had to stop a

  I've been doing that thing again where I start to write, but then the idea gets lost somewhere and I never finish it. My list of drafts is getting pretty long. At least I have quite a few tidbits to read through in case I ever need an idea, right? I've been thinking about blogging about how my make-up routine changes drastically the more my "spoonie" days show up. Honestly, there isn't a thing in life that endometriosis hasn't changed. It's overwhelming to think about. I've been sort of breaking things down in my head. Make-up for starters. The way I dress has changed. The things I eat changes weekly sometimes. Relationships and friendships change. Really, this list can get huge.  I'm sure you know by now that I love make-up, especially make up in bold, different colors that I can play with. I live by the idea that a day without eyeliner is a day wasted. I like my eyeliner, but there's just some days that getting on face cream i

I have the house to myself for a spell. I put on makeup and another new dress to test run today. Then, I decided to clean and purge the pantry. I've found strange (to me) things: 4 opened bags of powdered sugar . The need to wear an apron to complete this task. Nuts seeds and sugar free chocolate.... all the low carb snacks I learned to love and then dismissed as soon as Halloween crept near. Extra dry vermouth because I forgot that i can make a pretty good classic martini. 10 bag clips not attached to anything. And finally, a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt for a long time.

I long to be on the go, to be outside in the warm January sun. I want to finish all the things I've started today.... the laundry in the washer, dryer and couch. The dishes in the sink from breakfast and the freezer meal prep this morning. The pantry in need of a clean out to make dinner menus and put away today's groceries. The little details I've started in the patio in acrylic paint. Lastly, my planner in need of my inked ideas for getting through the next week and a half so I can begin planning my recovery. I feel robbed and almost victimized by my illness right now. More so because it feels more than evident that something else is at play. My feet and hands hurt badly. Last night, I clung to my husband's chest as the lower part of my back tightened and released again and again for what seemed like endless moments. I held back my tears because I didn't want to ruin our evening vegetation ritual that we both desperately need through the week. I watch little old

I made it to the bookstore today. I didn't find what I wanted, but the chickens found more than their allotment. They each came home with three more books to add to the piles they received for Christmas. My only glorious find was a valentines gift for my husband. I should hide it in the pantry, where he can never find anything. We came home and I forced everyone outside. Today has been the first nice day in a bit. Southern Arizona got a taste of winter and it was like your least favorite vegetable.  The kids started with a volcano science experiment set. I really hope I'm not cooking anything that calls for vinegar anytime soon. I can't get the smell out of my nose, or the kitchen or the outside trash can.  I started out with a Coke Zero. I was bored, which is the one thing I cannot stand to hear anyone complain about. Then, as quickly as the sun warmed me up, I remembered that I had this grand idea for painting the porch posts. I had even picked up acrylic paints when

A lot of my days consist of resting wrapped in my favorite blanket and afternoon tea because night time is hit or miss. I didn't sleep much last night. I ended up falling asleep on top of all the bed covers with my heated blanket because I couldn't move to get under them. At 1:30 this morning, I wandered into the kitchen for more meds and water and debated just staying awake until I got tired again. I didn't. I went back to my heated blanked that was now turned off and rearranged my pillows and stared at all the odd shapes that things make in the dark. I think around 3am I found sleep again. I wanted to wake up and go to the bookstore. I was still pretty sleepy as I made brunch at 11am. I drank coffee in a daze and I can probably only recount parts of my day. I allowed myself to fall asleep in the recliner in the late afternoon. The sound of cartoons didn't bother me as my zombie kids wrapped themselves in blankets and relaxed on their second to last day of win

I never thought I'd be so nervous about discussing pain management with my primary doctor. I need some kind of pain management to help me between now and surgery. This is also at my specialist's request. But, I'm nervous and I'm here feeling like and addict, although I'm far far from it. This is what the opioid crisis has done to people like me. I know, I talk to other women with endometriosis who are in the same boat. I'm not the only one that refuses to go to the emergency room when my pain gets out of control. Dealing with unbearable pain is the lesser of two evils. I'd rather scream or cry than ask for help and be sent to a social worker again. I'd rather tough it out than be labeled a drug seeker. Because once that ink dries, it's there. It doesn't go away. I have plenty of medical evidence that shows I'm not a drug seeker, but that doesn't seem to matter. I am just person who needs some kind of pain medication to help me feel some

I am horrible at finishing blogs lately. I admit that, yet again, I haven't been feeling my best. And when I do feel good, I guilt myself into catching up on every single thing as fast as I can. And then sometimes that starts a vicious cycle. Today I'm trying my best to break that cycle. I'm nursing a migraine. I had a breakthrough for about 2 hours with no pain, so I finished laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, vacuumed, took out the trash, cleaned the cat box, watered my plants and then took a recliner break because my pain came back in an instant. I have to drive up to Phoenix to see my pelvic pain specialist tomorrow, so I decided that it was time to hit the breaks. I made myself get in a hot bath. I made myself take all my meds. I am making myself take care of myself, as odd as that sounds to me. This week if laundry goes undone, but I complete a craft, I'll be happy. I won't submit to guilt. I'll have more good days in return, and that's the motivation

I've been awake for over an hour, watching the sun come up. I caught a cold from my son and have been coughing and coughing since it was still dark out. And the coughing has brought a lot of pain today. Yesterday too, but not this bad. I feel like I should be used to it. It happens most mornings. My feet ache and I have to grip the edge of the bed and the door and the wall to make it across the hall to the bathroom. And then after a while, it dulls and I can ignore it. This morning my back aches, likely from the cough, and the pain in my legs has me slowly breathing in and out so I won't cry out loud. Being sick triggers a pain flare. I remember back in January I had the flu. Once I was over it, my body just gave up. I was in physical therapy and I rememver my husband having to take me and help me walk in. I didn't want to miss a session and it was important to me for my therapist to see what a bad flare looked like. After all that, I ended up taking a few weeks of work t

Welp, after such a fantastic day yesterday, I started off my Thursday completely achy and with a terrible case of the dropsies. I sacrificed an egg attempting to make breakfast. The recliner was so very accommodating after that. Currently I'm in a hellfire bath in an attempt to make my legs work. I'm hoping the meds I took help out a bit too. I'm looking forward to the monthly PTO meeting later, so it'd be really nice if my body could cooperate. I actually started using a different pain logging app called Pain Scale. I have abandoned Phendo for a bit since then pain I've been experiencing is only partly endometriosis pain. I don't think the endo is causing my joints to hurt like this, even though there is a possibility I could have endo lesions on my nerves. I actually can't wait to see my doctor next week and then to see my specialist the following week. My neuro follow up was also bumped up, which I'm happy for. Maybe we can make some sense of every

I've been feeling great the last two days and all I can think of is how the pendulum of my health swings to such extremes. Lately I try to keep track of everything to see what sets me off and what doesn't and there really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. This past Saturday morning, I could barely walk and it took an awful lot of medication to get me through the day. It was a great day in the end, but one still filled with lots of pain. And then today, I got up at my regular time, started laundry and picking up the house and then went outside to start to paint the porch. It was such a huge difference from how I felt just days before. On good days like today, I can't even fathom how I could have been in so much pain. I try not to waste a second of a good day. I don't know if I mentally put all the bad days in the back of my mind or if I hyper focus on feeling so good. It boggles me. Completely. I also never know how I am going to feel the next day. Today's da

I'm at work this morning and I'm miserable. I feel great today, but I have grown to despise the toxic environment that my workplace has become. No one is happy. And that bothers me. I've always read articles about why employees are unhappy and the thing that sticks out to me is that people don't usually quit jobs, they quit bosses. I feel that rings very true lately. I have seen so many people leave simply because they feel there is a huge lack of respect lately. That has been my nail in the coffin. I have 7 shifts left before I take a leave again. Yes, my health does play a role in this. But my health has always been a factor in everything. And, previously, despite my health, I have always tried to give my job 120% because of the people I have worked with. Now, I honestly can't change how people treat each other. I have tried, but the lack of communication and kindness has already left an irreparable rift in the environment and toxicity has seeped in and d

I've decided this morning that all I want to do is immerse myself in music and art and books. Basically, all the things that make me happy and make me forget how afraid I am.

I'm currently still on a search for as much information as I can find about the pending investigation into the drug Lupron. Lupron is a drug commonly used to treat prostate cancer in men, and more recently, to treat endometriosis symptoms in women (and men in some cases as well). It works by overstimulating the production of hormones, namely testosterone and estrogen, causing them to stop being produced temporarily. I fought with insurance companies in 2015 to take Lupron after having a surgery that provided no relief from my pelvic pain. It was the second to last resort treatment that my OBGYN at the time suggested. We didn't want to skip to the last resort, which was having my last remaining ovary removed, because being only 34, it was not the best idea to undergo surgical menopause. I was excited to try my 6 months of Lupron to see if it provided at least a few years of relief. It was highly recommended, with the only side effects being worsening symptoms shortly after t

OH MY GAWD! I have so much to say right now. Like, my brain finally processed all that noise and now I can package it up and sell it like American cheese. Calm down. Not sure where I was going with that cheese part, except I haven't had much to eat today unless you count the popcorn samples and can of Chef Boy-are-you-kidding-me-this-isn't-pasta I ate. Oh, and a pretzel at work because I love stress eating and intended to, but life happened and I still have a pastry from my all time favorite spot chilling in a bag on the table... It's all because this morning I dropped the thing I love just a little more than my kids as a result of my back spasm. My beloved make-up and brushes cascaded down around me like Sephora was literally making it rain. Sit down, I actually do love my kids more, even when my favorite black sparkly Kat VonD lippie is painted on the side of the bathroom cabinet. I held my breath inhumanely long when I saw that disasterpiece. So yeah, my back spams s

This is the first morning in a long time I've woke up in a whole lotta pain. It actually started last night during family movie night. My left shoulder hurts every time I move my arm. My hips, lower back and legs keep getting shooting pains and have just stayed sore. I hate taking medication, but I'm loaded up and ready to feel better. I have a busy day ahead and I don't want to feel like this. Well, I can say that the best thing to take my mind off my pain is getting involved in something bigger than me. I attended a PTO meeting this evening and came home feeling so different from how I woke up. I am totally looking forward to our Trunk-or-Treat event next Friday. It's our first event and we're hoping to raise some money to get more projects up and running. Fingers crossed all the pieces fall into place.

Last year's vacation was just three weeks after my first excision surgery for endometriosis. I had had plenty of ablation surgeries along with a hysterectomy previously. I wasn't afraid of going on an 8 hour car trip so soon. It was something I looked forward to. This year feels different. In the last month, my endo symptoms have been looking over my shoulder day in and day out. I was actually scared of the car trip and the walking. It's not normal to have stabbing pains when my bladder is full, but that happened yesterday. I can remember a trip to San Diego a few years ago that I packed double for not knowing if I'd be swollen like I was in my second trimester. It really didn't bother me then. Now I find myself only buying stretchy pants and leggings. Thankfully stretch jeans are all the fashion. Comfort is key, right?  I really shouldn't care, but the swelling has become a symbol of pain and discomfort again. It can sometimes be a symbol of healin

I have no clue what the fuck to write about today. I need a reset to take on the new week and the month of October. Patience while I take a mental refresh.... Maybe I'll edit some of the hundreds of pics I've been hoarding on my flash drive...

I had a terrible brain fart just now. I looked at the date and erased it and retyped Twenty Ninth. I was scared that a lost an entire day (yes I do that on occasion when a migraine strikes, or when I get the flu, or when my pain levels aren't manageable) until I realized it was indeed the 28th today. Maybe in2as trying to speed up the arrival of October as the high today hit 100. That's pretty much fall in Arizona. Hell, I've celebrated birthdays in flip flops and I was born on Thanksgiving. Well, now that I know I didn't lose a day, I guess all is well in the world, right? I did this wonderful, scary thing last night. I volunteered to be vice president of the PTO at my kids school. I really miss being involved in something like that. We dropped Girl Scouts this year (my participation hadn't been that great due to my health anyway) and my son joining a soccer team didn't work out this year due to scheduling issues. I thought really hard about making this commi