Halloween Tenth

Last year's vacation was just three weeks after my first excision surgery for endometriosis. I had had plenty of ablation surgeries along with a hysterectomy previously. I wasn't afraid of going on an 8 hour car trip so soon. It was something I looked forward to.

This year feels different. In the last month, my endo symptoms have been looking over my shoulder day in and day out. I was actually scared of the car trip and the walking. It's not normal to have stabbing pains when my bladder is full, but that happened yesterday.

I can remember a trip to San Diego a few years ago that I packed double for not knowing if I'd be swollen like I was in my second trimester. It really didn't bother me then. Now I find myself only buying stretchy pants and leggings. Thankfully stretch jeans are all the fashion. Comfort is key, right? 

I really shouldn't care, but the swelling has become a symbol of pain and discomfort again. It can sometimes be a symbol of healing and a social cry (I'm chronically ill and still chronically fabulous), but it currently is not. It's a reminder to me that I'm sick and will have this disease looming over me and also that I will have to drag my family through another surgery and downtime. They've been through this enough. I've been through this enough.

It's all going to be ok. I'm learning again to listen to my body. I'm learning to not stop enjoying my life. I'm learning to embrace the fears that I have. Without fear, I'm just a bottled up explosion waiting to be released, which is a disaster for anyone in proximity. 

So, let's do this. Let's enjoy the next few days without worry, without fear. Let's not think about the future so we can enjoy the moments we stand in right now.