Chronic Ama

We drove to Phoenix yesterday for my post surgery follow up. I was a little surprised to find out that the pathology report came back that the excised tissue was not endometriosis. It was scar tissue. That was actually a bit of a relief that I may be in the clear now to move forward a bit more. I did find out that my continued pain is from muscle spasms. I am full of scar tissue (adhesions) in my pelvis. None of it was excised with my last surgery as it has worked to hold things in place in places that I've lost organs. OK, makes sense. Apparently the scar tissue can trigger muscle spasms, which causes pain. Not all hope is lost! We're hoping that a combination of medication and physical therapy should alleviate the pain. And even if that doesn't help eliminate the pain, we have a plan in for other things that can help. Now I'm just waiting to be scheduled for physical therapy again. I'm also going to keep trying my best to be active. I've been really

There are distinctly two different mes. I am forced to love them both. One side can get out of bed in the morning, have coffee,get dressed. The other me can't lift her legs out of bed. Shes a prisoner in her own body. Shes so full of medication, the world spins around her. She uses all her strength to shower. The first shower in two days. Her hair has finally been washed. She rubs body cream all over, even though her own hands on her skin hurt. The movement hurts. Standing becomes difficult. A clean dress instead of pajamas just to feel somewhat normal. Back in bed she goes. The next hurdle is to rehydrate. She fights back tears many times today. Sometimes the tears win. She's back in bed now, just wishing she could find the strength to get out of bed again. Comb her hair. Try to eat. She wants her children home with the normal her. She wants another dinner like last night. Happy. Healthy. Living. Because today isn't living. Today is trying. Coping. A test of w

In the last 24 hours I have had some great conversations with two friends. Both have offered me the perspective I needed and both have let me speak my part, thus, further enabling me to let my ideas come to fruition and push myself to toward positive change. As a result, I had a wonderful day! I did housework, which is always so damn redundant, but is quite a necessity. I accomplished everything I set out to do today, which paved the way for the goals of the week. Remember, I did want to complete one gifty type craft as we are in Santa countdown mode. My paints are organized, my craft desk (yes, I have a desk dedicated to crafts) is cleaned and clutter free, and my task desk is also has order to it. I'm ready to make this week my bitch. But wait! There's more! I also had a relatively low pain day. I think when all is right in my world and I can focus on things one at a time and have my eye on a goal, I tend to focus less on what hurts. Yes, I am still in pain (and I will be

I'm in the waiting room at a medical center waiting on my beloved while he is finally receiving the first phase of relief from back pain. It's been a long road to get here. Isn't pain such an interesting thing? I am no stranger to pain, having spent the majority of my adult life dealing with it, in all it's multiplicity. I have fought to have my pain validated. Saying that feels so very strange. Maybe validated isn't the right word. I think it's a hard thing to understand since it seems so individual. Pain is defined as distressing feeling caused by intense stimuli. That sounds so elementary. Anyone who has ever been in pain knows there's so much more to it than that. If we only talk about physical pain, that too can be so much more than what you just feel physically.

I've been debating on talking about how I'm feeling. I always freely talk about my dealing with endometriosis and my insights and a little about how I'm feeling, but I think it just touches the surface. It may also be the fact that it's been well over a year since I've felt this bad. The last truly bad time I've had was before my last surgery in August 2017. I made it through the summer and working the busy season at work, but before surgery, it was tough. It could also be that since the last bad time I've had, I seem to have gotten progressively worse. I'm also falling into a mild depression again. It has been over 2 years since I've had problems with depression and anxiety and have needed medication. I don't think I'm to that point yet and I'm trying my damnedest not to get to that point.  My pain is getting worse. For months I've had joint pain and endo pain, but usually at different times. My endo pain has also been under

Today was shit from the start, no matter how hard I tried. My doctor appointment was rushed, so I didn't get my B12 shot, nor did I get to ask many questions. Silver lining... I got leave of absence paperwork completed and got my handicap placard paperwork sent in. Yeah, I dislike driving lately and have a hard time walking around when I'm running errands. Not sure if it'll help, but I'll take closer parking. Leave of absence company called me after receiving paperwork so quickly and my case manager was an ass. Condescending wanker. Basically told me they needed to call my doctor for medical evidence that I needed to be on leave. And now I have to see if my specialist is going to recommend surgery, which will ultimately push my leave through. It's safe to say that id put money on going under the knife soon. Midday goes fine. I'm over the morning. Then, I pick my kids up and the fun begins. I'm heading toward an intersection to turn right, going to another

I've been feeling great the last two days and all I can think of is how the pendulum of my health swings to such extremes. Lately I try to keep track of everything to see what sets me off and what doesn't and there really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. This past Saturday morning, I could barely walk and it took an awful lot of medication to get me through the day. It was a great day in the end, but one still filled with lots of pain. And then today, I got up at my regular time, started laundry and picking up the house and then went outside to start to paint the porch. It was such a huge difference from how I felt just days before. On good days like today, I can't even fathom how I could have been in so much pain. I try not to waste a second of a good day. I don't know if I mentally put all the bad days in the back of my mind or if I hyper focus on feeling so good. It boggles me. Completely. I also never know how I am going to feel the next day. Today's da

OH MY GAWD! I have so much to say right now. Like, my brain finally processed all that noise and now I can package it up and sell it like American cheese. Calm down. Not sure where I was going with that cheese part, except I haven't had much to eat today unless you count the popcorn samples and can of Chef Boy-are-you-kidding-me-this-isn't-pasta I ate. Oh, and a pretzel at work because I love stress eating and intended to, but life happened and I still have a pastry from my all time favorite spot chilling in a bag on the table... It's all because this morning I dropped the thing I love just a little more than my kids as a result of my back spasm. My beloved make-up and brushes cascaded down around me like Sephora was literally making it rain. Sit down, I actually do love my kids more, even when my favorite black sparkly Kat VonD lippie is painted on the side of the bathroom cabinet. I held my breath inhumanely long when I saw that disasterpiece. So yeah, my back spams s

This is the first morning in a long time I've woke up in a whole lotta pain. It actually started last night during family movie night. My left shoulder hurts every time I move my arm. My hips, lower back and legs keep getting shooting pains and have just stayed sore. I hate taking medication, but I'm loaded up and ready to feel better. I have a busy day ahead and I don't want to feel like this. Well, I can say that the best thing to take my mind off my pain is getting involved in something bigger than me. I attended a PTO meeting this evening and came home feeling so different from how I woke up. I am totally looking forward to our Trunk-or-Treat event next Friday. It's our first event and we're hoping to raise some money to get more projects up and running. Fingers crossed all the pieces fall into place.

Currently waiting at a new OBGYNs office for a HRT consultation. Maybe I won't get told that it's impossible for me to have endometriosis or that there's nothing he can do for me. I'm nervous. I don't usually get nervous with doctors, but today I am. Update: OMG, I love my new OBGYN! He agreed that I very likely have endometriosis lesions and definitely at least have adhesions again. He agreed to start me on progesterone to see if it helps curb the symptoms I'm having.  I haven't really paid too much attention lately just because of everything in my life, but nausea has been quite a big symptom for me. I was actually surprised to see that I've lost some weight in the last few weeks, despite not being on my low carb, healthy eating path. I am not a breakfast person, but a lot of days even lunch is hard to get down. Hell, today I got an order of cheese curds and I wasn't the least bit upset about sharing them with my hungry offspring. I ev

September has not been off to a great start. I've been in a flare up since Saturday morning. I knew it was coming on too, but I ignored the warning signs. I was getting ready to go grab donuts for breakfast (gimme a break, we were still celebrating my husband's return home) and I felt like I was being stabbed just above the pubic bone, closer to my hip. It's a searing pain that catches you off guard. My first C-section was started with no anesthesia and a worn off epidural and when they started cutting on the left side, I felt everything! And yeah, the pain was like that. I went to the bedroom to sit down and catch my breath for a few seconds, not sure if it was going to go away or keep coming on. It finally went away in about 3 minutes, which felt like an eternity, especially because I was holding my breath and holding back a few tears. I was just sore, so I took a few steps toward the bedroom door. I could walk, so I should be fine, right? The pain came and went for the

I feel mildly like a psychopath. I'm soaking in a hot bath of epsom salt and listening to Carnifex while it's 100degrees out and my AC is excelling at its job. My legs haven't stopped hurting since I went to the ER two and a half weeks ago. My back started spasming shortly after and apparently caused my IT band to tighten again in my right leg as well as my piriformis muscles. Makes it feel like I'm on a medieval rack with my hips being pulled in opposite directions. My calves have also tightened up to keep everything in place. I hurt. And I'm trying my best to alleviate this cluster fuck of muscles that also feel like they weigh a thousand pounds. But, I digress in my complaints. I walked two miles this morning! Let's digress again.... I have never considered those metal handles in the bathtub until this very moment. Right now. I'm contemplating how the hell I'm going to get out of the tub. I'll let you know how it goes.... It went fine. I'

Two days of rest and I'm still feeling like hot garbage. I caught a cold/sinus infection on top of everything. I got all ready for work today and went to take my kids to school only to find that the car ride makes me seriously dizzy. So, no driving for me today. I also am starting to have an endo flare. My legs feel like there's weights wrapped around them. My stomach is not happy with me. My back is mildly spasming. I hate my body sometimes. Yes, it's my body and I don't get another one, but this is rough. I had been feeling so good. And, I admit, maybe pushing myself a little too much. But I think a little push shouldn't send me spiraling down. I don't want to feel good and then just keep slow and steady. I want to feel good and keep going. This is where all my fear comes from. It's not even the pain I'm afraid of anymore. It's just the wide array of symptoms that seem to pop up without rhyme or reason. And then there's the guilt. Guilt is su

Today I have officially been diagnosed with "Chronic Pelvic Pain." Well, fuck my life, right? Yeah, but I'm not going to freak out and give myself a panic attack. I'm so over that! I just don't have time to panic. I gotta take this day by day. At least it's bearable pain that's not interfering with my life [yet]. Everything so far points to scar tissues (adhesions) from all the damn surgeries I've had in my life. (I think I've surpassed lucky 13.) Guess we'll wait a spell and see what the new specialist has in mind. Oh, right! I'm apparently being referred to a doctor in Phoenix that specializes in pelvic pain. (http://www.dignityhealth.org/stjosephs/services/cancer-center/pelvic-pain-and-gynecologic-surgery/meet-the-team/michael-hibner) I'm kinda excited to see what comes of this. Maybe an end? Maybe a new diagnosis? Maybe nothing? Who knows? At least I have an excuse to visit Fluffit Marshamallows again! Look at me, looki