August Sixteenth

Two days of rest and I'm still feeling like hot garbage. I caught a cold/sinus infection on top of everything. I got all ready for work today and went to take my kids to school only to find that the car ride makes me seriously dizzy. So, no driving for me today. I also am starting to have an endo flare. My legs feel like there's weights wrapped around them. My stomach is not happy with me. My back is mildly spasming.

I hate my body sometimes. Yes, it's my body and I don't get another one, but this is rough. I had been feeling so good. And, I admit, maybe pushing myself a little too much. But I think a little push shouldn't send me spiraling down. I don't want to feel good and then just keep slow and steady. I want to feel good and keep going. This is where all my fear comes from. It's not even the pain I'm afraid of anymore. It's just the wide array of symptoms that seem to pop up without rhyme or reason.

And then there's the guilt. Guilt is such a useless emotion. It really it. But, I can't help but feel guilty about my body going out of whack. Like, if only I hadn't gone grocery shopping.... If only I hadn't worked late... If only I had taken a nap.... Ugh! The fucked up thing about this kind of guilt is feeling that if I had done those "if onlys," I'd probably still be in the same place I am right now.... On the toilet, tears in my eyes, typing away on my phone waiting for this wave of pain in my pelvis and belly to subside.

I don't want to be sick anymore. I hate losing whole days to being in bed or in the couch. I feel useless and like a bad person. I feel like I let my family down. I let my boss and co-workers down. I just can't function and everyone else has to pick up the slack. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could do something or take a magic pill to make myself better. I wish I could keep going and not have to stop. I have too many things planned in life and chronic illness is not one of them.