Chronic Ama

I am horrible at finishing blogs lately. I admit that, yet again, I haven't been feeling my best. And when I do feel good, I guilt myself into catching up on every single thing as fast as I can. And then sometimes that starts a vicious cycle. Today I'm trying my best to break that cycle. I'm nursing a migraine. I had a breakthrough for about 2 hours with no pain, so I finished laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, vacuumed, took out the trash, cleaned the cat box, watered my plants and then took a recliner break because my pain came back in an instant. I have to drive up to Phoenix to see my pelvic pain specialist tomorrow, so I decided that it was time to hit the breaks. I made myself get in a hot bath. I made myself take all my meds. I am making myself take care of myself, as odd as that sounds to me. This week if laundry goes undone, but I complete a craft, I'll be happy. I won't submit to guilt. I'll have more good days in return, and that's the motivation

I go to bed every night thinking the next day will be better. I'll get more done. I'll be motivated. I'll watch what I eat a little better. I'll be a little happier. I'll be prepared for life. Then, I wake up, start my day, and life just seems to shove me back down to this terrible place that I cannot break away from. I have never been the insanely angry and aggressive type. I've been mean, hella moody, bipolar, sad, upset, lonely, pissed off... and now I'm all that rolled into a ball of aggression and anger. I just want to lash out so very badly. I want to start pushing everyone away and just letting all the awful mean things I hide come to the surface. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Will all be well or will I lash out and be the mean me hidden beneath?

I totally have this working out thing down. I really have not been able to reign in my appetite, though. I think I love food tooooooo damn much! That doesn't mean I'm going to give up, though. I'm going to keep trying every day to eat just a little less. I wonder if it will help to completely plan out my day, including snacks. I have a pantry full of great options. Maybe I will set aside some time tonight doing that. I also prolly need to make a quick grocery trip for a few things. I'm out of vanilla yogurt and I just can't make my berry oatmeal smoothies without it! Here's to another awesome week ahead of us! And... Girl Scout cookies... that's a blog for another day... like, tomorrow.