Chronic Ama

In the spawn of a second, nothing really changed but a digit on my smart phone screen. Why do we celebrate a new year anyway? Because each calendar year must be ended and commemorated with the illusions of resolutions for a new set of numbers to live by. That's a lot to take in. Because life is, simply, cyclical. What begins, must come to an end. What ends fosters new beginning. I don't do resolutions. I never have. Besides, there are so many ways to resolve to be better and no one way is truly the right way. And why would anyone resolve to do the same things over again because you didn't accomplish them previously? That, my friends, is a sure route to depression and self loathing that not one of us deserves. Seriously, don't resolve to do anything for the second year unless you have a damned good excuse for not getting it done the first time around. That's probably how aging works. You can never spend to much time wishing because you end up with a bag of regret.

I slept terribly last night. I woke up in the middle of a dream with intense pain in my feet and legs. It took a while for a muscle relaxer to kick in, but I fell back asleep for the most part. I gave in and took a vicodin this morning to stay on top of the pain. It helped. I was able to run the last errand I needed to run. I even wrapped a few more presents. I guess now its feeling like crunch time. I can't put things off like I have been. It's my hope to be able to get in the kitchen tomorrow. I want to make some peanut clusters and I'm still itching to make lemon curd. I was also going to attempt a small batch of scones if I have the energy. We also still have sugar cookies to frost at mom's house.  I think I'm just blogging my to-do list now! So boring, I know. For me, it's a help to get all this mundane crap out of my brain. Also, I'm sitting at Chuck E. Cheese, so this was my little bit of quiet time today.

I  I apologize for my absence. I don't feel I owe an explanation, though.  The most wonderful time of the year is upon us, but I've been putting off making my to do list and actually accomplishing anything in any logical order. I have been randomly taking on tasks and then kicking myself for the ones I don't accomplish. I really need some time to plan things out and stay on top of things before it's December 23rd and I'm out of steam.  I have been reading more again. I'm hoping to get to the bookstore next next week to do some christmas shopping and hopefully pick up a few things for myself. I need to dedicate a whole day to the bookstore, though, because I can easily spend hours there.  I  have started an old book again. It's the memoir of Adam Nergal Darski, front man for one of my most favorite bands, Behemoth. We have a lot of similar ideas about religion and it's interesting the memories the very first page brought to the forefront

It's 2:15 in the afternoon.  I only worked 4 hours today, but my body feels like I worked 10.  I finally got my B12 shot. For the 1st time it made my arm hurt pretty bad. I don't know how to say this but I've been slowly feeling depressed again.  I start my leave from work on Tuesday And that's not really a bad thing. 18 years of working with a company... It's gonna be a little sad to start my leave because I know I'm probably not coming back. If anything I'm not looking forward to missing the people that I have grown to love over the years. I know this is the right decision for me, though. I think for the 1st time in a long time I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I have no plans for the 2nd year in a row and I don't even know if I want to celebrate. That makes me sad because I love celebrating anything and everything. I don't care about getting older. It just feels like my life is changing so dramatically. It's also hard to celebrate