Birthday Month Day 24

I 

I apologize for my absence. I don't feel I owe an explanation, though. 

The most wonderful time of the year is upon us, but I've been putting off making my to do list and actually accomplishing anything in any logical order. I have been randomly taking on tasks and then kicking myself for the ones I don't accomplish. I really need some time to plan things out and stay on top of things before it's December 23rd and I'm out of steam. 

I have been reading more again. I'm hoping to get to the bookstore next next week to do some christmas shopping and hopefully pick up a few things for myself. I need to dedicate a whole day to the bookstore, though, because I can easily spend hours there. 

I  have started an old book again. It's the memoir of Adam Nergal Darski, front man for one of my most favorite bands, Behemoth. We have a lot of similar ideas about religion and it's interesting the memories the very first page brought to the forefront of my head.

I can remember being in catholic school and going to confession. Looking back, it was a strange and almost scary experience. You're supposed to enter the confessional and kneel in the little, tiny, darkened room with a screen between you and the priest taking your confession. You then confess your sins and are then given a penance and, once complete, are absolved of your sins. The catholic church strongly protects the sacrament of confession, no matter the gravity of the sins revealed. You can kill a person, confess to a priest, be absolved and your secret is safe forever. So then, what's the point of living responsibly, ethically or following any sort of righteous way if you can be forgiven? It makes no sense to me.

The other thing that makes no sense is the sheer anxiety of being an adolescent waiting in line for confession. First of all, what do I even confess? I confess I didn't do my homework on time? I didn't listen to my mother? I stole a cookie from grandma's kitchen? What can a child possibly do that could be listed as a sin in need of forgiveness? Oh, wait. I'm sorry I was born, as we are all born sinners, right? I almost wish I could have been a fly on the wall, watching a 12 year old me fidget with the hand sewn hem of my plaid skirt, staring at the floor, trying to make up a sin on a whim because I was next in line to confess. And then to see the look of confusion on my face as I left the confessional to sit with the rest of my classmates and begin the penance I was given to complete in return for my absolution. Then, I could just watch as I sat, quiet, thinking about everything else but the ten hail mary's I was supposed to recite. I didn't sin. I didn't need to recite a single hail mary when I could quietly review material for tomorrow's social studies test in my head. I knew the ten commandments and, at 12 years old, knew I couldn't have possibly broken any of them to the point of needing to be forgiven by an elderly priest that smelled like incense and bengay. The anxiety of going through that entire ordeal was punishment enough for any wrongs I had committed, but surely nothing along the lines of taking another's life or committing adultery. 

I swore I would never do that to my children. I could never instill the fear that rolled down my spine being inside that confessional as I recited "bless me father for I have sinned" knowing well that I might be sinning just being in there reciting the bullshit that I put together just to have something to confess. I wish I remembered what I had said each time in that confessional. I wish I knew why they made us do this. I know I could never go through with that ever again in my life. It's torture. Abuse. 

I should also say that I have no regrets at all being raised catholic and attending 9 years of catholic school. It shaped me into who I am today. Each experience like that of confession, was a reason for me to stay away. Each was a push toward living my life free of anxiety provoking sacraments. If I was going to grow into the kind of person I saw myself as in the world, I needed to forget the fairytales and find my own way to live my best life.