Chronic Ama

Last year's vacation was just three weeks after my first excision surgery for endometriosis. I had had plenty of ablation surgeries along with a hysterectomy previously. I wasn't afraid of going on an 8 hour car trip so soon. It was something I looked forward to. This year feels different. In the last month, my endo symptoms have been looking over my shoulder day in and day out. I was actually scared of the car trip and the walking. It's not normal to have stabbing pains when my bladder is full, but that happened yesterday. I can remember a trip to San Diego a few years ago that I packed double for not knowing if I'd be swollen like I was in my second trimester. It really didn't bother me then. Now I find myself only buying stretchy pants and leggings. Thankfully stretch jeans are all the fashion. Comfort is key, right?  I really shouldn't care, but the swelling has become a symbol of pain and discomfort again. It can sometimes be a symbol of healin

He said he drew a balloon because they see so much when you let them go. It gave me a different perspective on how I view myself in this dynamic life I live that always proves to be static and cyclical. I can't accept change because I haven't accepted myself. But yet, the balloon drifting in the wind doesn't change. It's still a balloon drifting up and over and around. That's the step I am missing. I don't have to change, I just need to see things different ways, look at different things. Take a step back and breathe. I'm always over explaining myself. My illness. I let it define me too much, but really how else do I deal with something that will never go away? I don't need anyone to understand, but yet I push for their understanding. I am so frustrated with myself that I think if I can explain and make sense out loud, maybe it'll be ok. I know I can't get any of the bad days back and make them better. But, I can make the best out of the good