Chronic Ama

As a woman, I am well aware that health is often measured by that nasty little digital number on the top of my scale. It is insanely hard to change that idea since we are inundated with that measurement at every turn. I remember my primary care doctor having me sign a document that had my height, weight, and BMI on it along with information about how I was overweight and at risk for diabetes, even though my bloodwork had always showed my blood sugar as being on the low side of the normal range. I remember when I was dealing with all the issues and symptoms that go along with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and having my OBGYN at the time tell me that I needed to not worry about how I'd get diabetes, I needed to worry about when because for one, it ran in my family, and for two, I had insulin resistance which usually goes hand and hand with PCOS. I remember the first time I stepped into my GI doctor's office. The older gentleman had more than a few extra pounds around his mid

We caught the rain on the way back from Phoenix this afternoon. It was the usual day trip to see my pelvic pain and surgery specialist. This visit was far from usual. I caught myself wanting to pull over or, at the very least, stick my head out the car window and feel the cold hard rain wet my hair and pelt my carefully painted face. I wanted to physically wash away the worry and stress that came with these trips. I wanted just to feel the world around me from this new perspective. I have no where to go but up now. It may be that I have reached the pivotal point in my health where I may be in the clear from the recurrence of endo. The bleeding lesions may never appear again. I truly wish this to be with a degree of foreseeable certainty, but I'll take the large chance I now have of never seeing this brutal disease grow inside me again. And that small sliver of uncertainty and doubt can go in the trash. Really. I don't need that doubt. I need the clarity. I'm moving on f

This week I'm focusing on moving forward. Even with the beginning of a new month, I have felt stagnant and unable to step out of my comfort zone. I don't like always being in my comfort zone because my heart and mind long for so much more.  It's amazing how things work themselves out once you relinquish your hold on correcting them. Sometimes a deep breath and stopping in the moment is all it takes. Now, I think I am able to take better hold of my health, even if there is still a rough road to travel. I can see how all things are connected and I have a plan to make it over that hump. My goal is to have both my migraines and my leg pain well controlled by June.  First, I am trying new meds and starting physical therapy again. I am back on muscle relaxers to stop a lot of the spasming in my hips. It has helped tremendously in the last few days. I am also back to wearing this cursed abdominal binder. I never wear it long after surgery because it's uncomfortable.

There are distinctly two different mes. I am forced to love them both. One side can get out of bed in the morning, have coffee,get dressed. The other me can't lift her legs out of bed. Shes a prisoner in her own body. Shes so full of medication, the world spins around her. She uses all her strength to shower. The first shower in two days. Her hair has finally been washed. She rubs body cream all over, even though her own hands on her skin hurt. The movement hurts. Standing becomes difficult. A clean dress instead of pajamas just to feel somewhat normal. Back in bed she goes. The next hurdle is to rehydrate. She fights back tears many times today. Sometimes the tears win. She's back in bed now, just wishing she could find the strength to get out of bed again. Comb her hair. Try to eat. She wants her children home with the normal her. She wants another dinner like last night. Happy. Healthy. Living. Because today isn't living. Today is trying. Coping. A test of w

Sitting in a hotel in Tempe, Arizona this evening waiting on my husband to get back with dinner. I have to travel to see my pelvic pain specialist, as you probably know by now. I am nearing the end of my three day stay here to have my second laparoscopic surgery with this doctor. We were hoping this would be the start of figuring out my health decline. In addition to pelvic pain, I have debilitating migraines and what we think are symptoms of fibromyalgia. This is the beginning to answers and to healing that hopefully brings me a longer spell of good health.  I'm going to rewind to the beginning to December here (soon, i'd like to rapid rewind to document my female health journey). I had another follow up with Dr. Desai to discuss my worsening pain. She gave me two options. The first was pain management and physical therapy. The pain started when I was still quite active, running and walking on the treadmill as often as I could and also doing stretching and core streng

I've been debating on talking about how I'm feeling. I always freely talk about my dealing with endometriosis and my insights and a little about how I'm feeling, but I think it just touches the surface. It may also be the fact that it's been well over a year since I've felt this bad. The last truly bad time I've had was before my last surgery in August 2017. I made it through the summer and working the busy season at work, but before surgery, it was tough. It could also be that since the last bad time I've had, I seem to have gotten progressively worse. I'm also falling into a mild depression again. It has been over 2 years since I've had problems with depression and anxiety and have needed medication. I don't think I'm to that point yet and I'm trying my damnedest not to get to that point.  My pain is getting worse. For months I've had joint pain and endo pain, but usually at different times. My endo pain has also been under

It's 2:15 in the afternoon.  I only worked 4 hours today, but my body feels like I worked 10.  I finally got my B12 shot. For the 1st time it made my arm hurt pretty bad. I don't know how to say this but I've been slowly feeling depressed again.  I start my leave from work on Tuesday And that's not really a bad thing. 18 years of working with a company... It's gonna be a little sad to start my leave because I know I'm probably not coming back. If anything I'm not looking forward to missing the people that I have grown to love over the years. I know this is the right decision for me, though. I think for the 1st time in a long time I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I have no plans for the 2nd year in a row and I don't even know if I want to celebrate. That makes me sad because I love celebrating anything and everything. I don't care about getting older. It just feels like my life is changing so dramatically. It's also hard to celebrate

Welp, after such a fantastic day yesterday, I started off my Thursday completely achy and with a terrible case of the dropsies. I sacrificed an egg attempting to make breakfast. The recliner was so very accommodating after that. Currently I'm in a hellfire bath in an attempt to make my legs work. I'm hoping the meds I took help out a bit too. I'm looking forward to the monthly PTO meeting later, so it'd be really nice if my body could cooperate. I actually started using a different pain logging app called Pain Scale. I have abandoned Phendo for a bit since then pain I've been experiencing is only partly endometriosis pain. I don't think the endo is causing my joints to hurt like this, even though there is a possibility I could have endo lesions on my nerves. I actually can't wait to see my doctor next week and then to see my specialist the following week. My neuro follow up was also bumped up, which I'm happy for. Maybe we can make some sense of every

I've been feeling great the last two days and all I can think of is how the pendulum of my health swings to such extremes. Lately I try to keep track of everything to see what sets me off and what doesn't and there really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. This past Saturday morning, I could barely walk and it took an awful lot of medication to get me through the day. It was a great day in the end, but one still filled with lots of pain. And then today, I got up at my regular time, started laundry and picking up the house and then went outside to start to paint the porch. It was such a huge difference from how I felt just days before. On good days like today, I can't even fathom how I could have been in so much pain. I try not to waste a second of a good day. I don't know if I mentally put all the bad days in the back of my mind or if I hyper focus on feeling so good. It boggles me. Completely. I also never know how I am going to feel the next day. Today's da

I'm at work this morning and I'm miserable. I feel great today, but I have grown to despise the toxic environment that my workplace has become. No one is happy. And that bothers me. I've always read articles about why employees are unhappy and the thing that sticks out to me is that people don't usually quit jobs, they quit bosses. I feel that rings very true lately. I have seen so many people leave simply because they feel there is a huge lack of respect lately. That has been my nail in the coffin. I have 7 shifts left before I take a leave again. Yes, my health does play a role in this. But my health has always been a factor in everything. And, previously, despite my health, I have always tried to give my job 120% because of the people I have worked with. Now, I honestly can't change how people treat each other. I have tried, but the lack of communication and kindness has already left an irreparable rift in the environment and toxicity has seeped in and d

I'm currently still on a search for as much information as I can find about the pending investigation into the drug Lupron. Lupron is a drug commonly used to treat prostate cancer in men, and more recently, to treat endometriosis symptoms in women (and men in some cases as well). It works by overstimulating the production of hormones, namely testosterone and estrogen, causing them to stop being produced temporarily. I fought with insurance companies in 2015 to take Lupron after having a surgery that provided no relief from my pelvic pain. It was the second to last resort treatment that my OBGYN at the time suggested. We didn't want to skip to the last resort, which was having my last remaining ovary removed, because being only 34, it was not the best idea to undergo surgical menopause. I was excited to try my 6 months of Lupron to see if it provided at least a few years of relief. It was highly recommended, with the only side effects being worsening symptoms shortly after t

I fucking love candy corn. I'm sure those of you that know me are well aware of this fact. I'm also sure that a lot of you reading this have stopped. I'm pretty sure candy corn is about as popular as brussel sprouts (which I also love fried with some bacon bits). Today you get to picture candy corn as I complain more about mood. I've gone from ugh to angry, so this is probably coming to an end and thus, a return to normalcy. I also probably need to catch up in sleep a bit. I haven't been sleeping that well and I wake up overly tired in the morning and consume my weight in coffee throughout the day. Right now I'm just counting down to tomorrow, a day I didn't plan anything for, to just relax. No errands, no appointments. I do have an evening engagement, but it won't get in the way of my plans to be in my pajamas until noon. Maybe I will grab a book and get in the pool for a bit. It's still hot enough. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be my res

I just learned that when you upgrade your phone and reinstall the blogger app, it pretty much wipes any drafts you had saved on your previous device. Yes, September Twentieth has been eaten by technology. Let's get on with this... I've been dwelling a lot on the two sides to having a chronic illness. I've been wanting to go back to the summer months when I felt a helluva lot better than I have felt recently. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I have such an interesting mix of good and bad days and they are equaling out a lot lately. I find myself saving my "spoons" a lot these days to sort of build up a wall around my good days and keep them good. You will likely see more of my good days than bad because bad days keep me holed up and hiding in a way. Believe me, it's better that way. Which brings me to the next part of my journey. Currently my return to work is pending. I have been restricted to work no more than 4-5 hours a day, 20-25 hours a wee

Currently waiting at a new OBGYNs office for a HRT consultation. Maybe I won't get told that it's impossible for me to have endometriosis or that there's nothing he can do for me. I'm nervous. I don't usually get nervous with doctors, but today I am. Update: OMG, I love my new OBGYN! He agreed that I very likely have endometriosis lesions and definitely at least have adhesions again. He agreed to start me on progesterone to see if it helps curb the symptoms I'm having.  I haven't really paid too much attention lately just because of everything in my life, but nausea has been quite a big symptom for me. I was actually surprised to see that I've lost some weight in the last few weeks, despite not being on my low carb, healthy eating path. I am not a breakfast person, but a lot of days even lunch is hard to get down. Hell, today I got an order of cheese curds and I wasn't the least bit upset about sharing them with my hungry offspring. I ev

I haven't posted about September being Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome awareness month. This is actually where my health journey started. I was diagnosed with PCOS in spring of 2006. I was immediately put on Metformin to regulate my insulin and try to get my hormones to work normally. It worked, and I was having more and more normal periods, for the first time ever in my life. Then, we decided we should try for a baby. In November 2006, I was told it was not going to be possible to conceive and they started me on more meds to see if it was possible for me to ovulate normally. I was pregnant 4 weeks later. I was one of the lucky ones.  Fast forward to the present. I no longer have ovaries, thus I really don't have PCOS anymore. But, I still have a lot of the hormonal symptoms, which also cross over to the hormonal issues I have with endometriosis. I get cystic acne, which I have started seeing a dermatologist for. I find it more and more difficult to lose weight, alt

More appointments today. I can't catch a break. My days are busy and I don't want them to be. I am anxiously awaiting vacation in October. Hopefully next week will slow down so I can start making packing lists and all that fun stuff. Today I did my sets is squats. I am going to try some heat when I get home and sit down to pay bills. Maybe I'll be able to hit the treadmill this afternoon and finish with some stretching. I haven't stuck to my plan.  So the treadmill didn't happen and I got hit with fatigue really bad again. Looking at the calendar, it's that time of the month for migraines and all the shit that comes with my phantom cycle. I guess now is where I cross my fingers and hope the preventative meds work their magic so I am not left with a migraine that lasts for days on end. My week is too busy for that.  Tuesday Update: I took my Maxalt (med to abort a migraine) at bed time last time and I pretty much passed out within minutes, like

Yesterday was a long day. I had a bunch of errands to run after seeing my new dentist. But, much to my surprise, dentists have this amazing new tech that enables them to replace a crown in one afternoon. My dentist appointment ended up being over 4 hours with no time for anything else. I also learned that sitting in a dentist chair for that long brings in hellacious spasms in my right leg. I can't help but feel my body is just done with everything. Every step forward these last few weeks still sends me into some kind of flare up. I just can't win, no matter how much I try. And I feel stuck because I still have a lot to do and less and less time to do it. Hell, it's almost noon time and I'm back in bed nursing a headache so it doesn't turn I to a migraine. I'm almost wondering if I should try my new medicine to see if it helps..... I just don't want to be comatose all afternoon. I want to proceed with the day's plans. I'll let you know what h

I'm not currently very happy with Blogger's integration of their mobile app and desktop site. My blog post that I started working on this morning was just eaten. And that's not the first time that's happened. I'm also wholly disappointed in the app. I love using it for blogging on the go, especially on the treadmill, but it has so many glitches, it's annoying. I cannot post pictures to my blog from the mobile app and that sucks. Bitching aside, today I had a couple epiphanies. Is that allowed? Can someone really have more than one in a 24 hour period? Is that why my anxiety showed up after these lovely, revealing moments in my day? First, I have been keeping track of what I do every day and how I feel at the end. I've come to the conclusion that about 4 hours of activity (cleaning, shopping, just being up and on the go) is about all I can handle right now. I'm hoping to increase this a bit so I can be functional when I go back to work. I would like t

Tuesday has not been looking any better than the past few days. I cracked my damn crown last night, but luckily I see a new dentist this week. I'm pretty sure my old dentist cracked it the last time I got my teeth cleaned and it's been wearing out ever since. And if you know me, you know I love dentist visits, but hate teeth. Ugh, my skin crawled when I spit out the chipped corner of my crown. In other news, we were up most of the night with Bellini as she caught another stomach bug. This has not been her year for stomach bugs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't pass it on to Loki or me. I will also be spending time with my trusty canister of Clorox wipes today. As for my stubborn body, I woke up so damn achy today, likely from listening intently every time the bathroom door shut. I took Aleve and am currently slowly walking on the treadmill to warm up my legs for some stretching. I really need to push over the hump of this flare up so it can go aw

September has not been off to a great start. I've been in a flare up since Saturday morning. I knew it was coming on too, but I ignored the warning signs. I was getting ready to go grab donuts for breakfast (gimme a break, we were still celebrating my husband's return home) and I felt like I was being stabbed just above the pubic bone, closer to my hip. It's a searing pain that catches you off guard. My first C-section was started with no anesthesia and a worn off epidural and when they started cutting on the left side, I felt everything! And yeah, the pain was like that. I went to the bedroom to sit down and catch my breath for a few seconds, not sure if it was going to go away or keep coming on. It finally went away in about 3 minutes, which felt like an eternity, especially because I was holding my breath and holding back a few tears. I was just sore, so I took a few steps toward the bedroom door. I could walk, so I should be fine, right? The pain came and went for the