September Twenty First

I just learned that when you upgrade your phone and reinstall the blogger app, it pretty much wipes any drafts you had saved on your previous device. Yes, September Twentieth has been eaten by technology.

Let's get on with this...

I've been dwelling a lot on the two sides to having a chronic illness. I've been wanting to go back to the summer months when I felt a helluva lot better than I have felt recently. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I have such an interesting mix of good and bad days and they are equaling out a lot lately. I find myself saving my "spoons" a lot these days to sort of build up a wall around my good days and keep them good. You will likely see more of my good days than bad because bad days keep me holed up and hiding in a way. Believe me, it's better that way.

Which brings me to the next part of my journey. Currently my return to work is pending. I have been restricted to work no more than 4-5 hours a day, 20-25 hours a week. Which, if you work with me, you know that's pretty much normal. But, per my leave case manager, my location has yet to say if they can or cannot accommodate that restriction. Ugh. That puts me in limbo until I can get in there or actually get someone on the phone and see WTF is up. Because if they don't reply, I get stuck on leave without pay. Sooooo….. Yeah. I hate not knowing what's happening next.

In the meantime, I've decided to seriously apply for disability. My application interview really made me stop to think about how many years I've been so up and down. I had to go over all my previous surgeries, my long list of doctors, medications, treatments... All the time I've taken off work or had to call in.... I also had to fill out a questionnaire asking me to assess my normal activities. Shit like grocery shopping and chores. I was reminded of my grocery trip last week that was hellacious and sucked the life out of me. I thought about all the mornings I start cleaning house and then have to recoup in the recliner. All the errands I put off because driving is just stupid. And then also all the migraines and how it basically lose days when I get them. There's countless times I've had to rely on my husband or my family to do everything for me because I was in bed, unable to move out of the dark room for 24 hours or more. And all this shit sucks.

Yeah, I know, I'm kinda throwing myself a little pity party. But, I'm allowed because sometimes I need to really stop to reassure myself I'm making the right decisions for me and for my family. If I need to stop working to be able to take care of myself and do things for my family, then I need to do it. Yes, I still want to be able to work, but in the last year, I've been out of work on leave 3 times. It is also I'll likely have surgery after the new year, putting me out of work on leave again. I also think that if I can reduce one stressful thing in my life to improve my life, I should do it. Not that I don't love my job (hell, I'm almost to my 18th anniversary), but dealing with my health while worrying about being a productive person at work is a very hard thing to balance. I also truly feel it's not fair to myself or my coworkers when I can't give my all. This all just makes sense.

Fingers crossed I get some kind of idea of what's happening next with work. Will they accommodate me to return for fourth quarter? Will they deny me and leave me in leave of absence limbo? Will I get frustrated to the point that I leave my job? I'll let you know what happens.

It's time for a late dinner. My appetite is finally kicking in.