September Twenty Seventh

It's throat punch Thursday and I've been happily spreading the love all around (in my head) since yesterday afternoon. I hate people. I hate inept receptionists. I hate telemarketers. I hate bad drivers. I hate people that pass me up in traffic to get to the red light faster. I really hope they're in a hurry trying not to shit themselves because they had gas station sushi. I also hate gas station sushi. But I do love hearing about people shitting themselves. I'm not too old to admit a good poop joke tickles my funny bone still.

I hate people that run red lights. I hate people that drive too slow. I hate that it's potentially difficult to be excommunicated from the catholic church. I hate that it's socially acceptable to have freedom to express your religious views so long as you believe in god. I hate that my phone wanted to autocorrect and capitalize the g in god when I don't consider it a proper noun. There's nothing proper about that kind of faith.

I hate that there are two sides to every coin. I hate that life isn't black and white no matter how much we want it to be. I hate that one person's crime is easily the punishment of many. I hate that social media is a powerful tool of connectivity and is mostly wasted on the ignorance of the majority. I hate that in the time spent scrolling Facebook, anyone of us could have easily texted a friend and made a lunch date or called a relative to say hello. I hate that instead of taking care of the people around us, we spend time outraged and shocked at celebrity news and reposting garage so regurgitated that we can't uncover the truth. I hate that we can post a suicide hotline and hashtag awareness everywhere but we can't spend an hour volunteering in our schools and organizations where a true difference can be made for others and for ourselves.

I hate that a broken healthcare system dictates the care we receive. I hate that the system breeds fear in those that need the system to help them the most. I hate that insurance companies pharmaceutical companies are more interested in the almighty dollar than they are in anyone's health. I hate that the people at those companies that make those decisions are so poisoned that they can't change the system.

I hate that the world dictates how to raise well rounded kids. I hate that our education system is so important and yet it is immensely flawed. I hate that we put higher education on a pedestal, yet we cut off so many paths to achieve it. I hate that the world has put so much emphasis on everything else and left family and friends in the dust.

No, this isn't a cry for help. I'm just at that point where I'm angry. I'm angry my friend died. I'm angry I'm going back to a job I've grown to hate. I'm angry I've been sick most of my adult life. I'm angry that my future has changed dramatically in the span of a few months. I'm angry that I'm forced to make time for so many other things that the things I love have to wait. I'm angry that finances drive life decisions. I'm angry that I have lived without depression and anxiety being at the forefront of my life and I have let my guard down to invite them back in. I'm angry that I know how to change, but I'm overwhelmed and don't want to force it.

I just want you to know that it's ok to hate, to be angry, to hurt. Because that's part of life. They're real emotions and if we suppress that shit, it festers and gets bigger and harder to tame. I'm unleashing mine so I can let them go. Just get it out and maybe I'll make even more room for happiness. Tomorrow the anger and hate and hurt will feel lighter and the day after that too. It needs to come out so the future me can enjoy all the things I'm still looking forward to. I'm thinking the Grand Canyon will be that much more grand through eyes bereft of anger, hate and hurt.