September Seventeenth

I have two unfinished blogs. Unfinished because there are no words to describe to ups and downs I've felt these last few days since you've been gone. I wrote about my anger and my sadness, but that didn't feel real. It didn't feel right.

I had been thinking about you that night and that morning before I heard the news. I was thinking it had been too long since I got to see you and hear you laugh. I put off seeing you, not because I didn't want to, but because I wanted to clear my plate to focus on what I could do for you. I should have known that it was an impossible task for me. I know I spread myself thin, and you knew it too. You had told me plenty of times to take it easy, and I'm sure you also knew I am a bit stubborn. I want to be strong for everyone.

Well, guess what, I'm still going strong. And you're gone and I'm just a little less stubborn. I was strong all weekend. I got to celebrate so many things while celebrating you in my heart. I had the honor of hosting your oldest at a sleep over. I saw glimpses of you in her face. It made me happy. I also got to feel all the love in your home this weekend. I feel like I'm part of something bigger than me. Something so full of love and strength that I can't even put into words the warmth and light that I can still feel.

Death is never easy. But it is an integral part of life. It is often a time for mourning and can even be a time for celebration. We celebrate the memories of those we love, because they are never truly gone if those memories are kept alive inside us. We celebrate the ways their lives touched ours. I think it's important to say here that you were the first friend I've made in years that never even saw the walls I've built up around me. You came right in and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only crazy parent that rolled her eyes at the antics of my kids, stayed up watching the Walking Dead and enjoyed a delicious cocktail or red wine. You never thought my skull kitchen decor was odd and I lit up the first time I saw the cool stuff in your house from your husband's hunting trips. I have never felt more welcome in anyone's house than you and your extended family made me feel at your girls' birthday parties.

I will continue to celebrate the extended family you've give me. Our village is awesome! There will always be love and kindness there. Your memory will always be there too. I'm happy that the last time I got to hug you, I told you I loved you. It's true. In the short time we knew each other, I grew to love your friendship, your family and the person I had become. I am not afraid to make friends anymore. You broke all those walls down and replaced them with something quite amazing.

It's time to say I'll see you later. I don't believe in goodbyes. Goodbyes are too final and, remember, you're not truly gone. One day we'll all be stars in the sky, energy in the universe. We'll be able to see all the love we've spread and all the friendships we've fostered. And then maybe we can sit back and enjoy it. We'll toast with some of that yummy boxed wine you turned me on to and we'll definitely have to discuss the last season of Game Of Thrones, because I'm sure it will be a classic!

Cheers, my dear friend! Until we meet again....