Chronic Ama

I'm currently still on a search for as much information as I can find about the pending investigation into the drug Lupron. Lupron is a drug commonly used to treat prostate cancer in men, and more recently, to treat endometriosis symptoms in women (and men in some cases as well). It works by overstimulating the production of hormones, namely testosterone and estrogen, causing them to stop being produced temporarily. I fought with insurance companies in 2015 to take Lupron after having a surgery that provided no relief from my pelvic pain. It was the second to last resort treatment that my OBGYN at the time suggested. We didn't want to skip to the last resort, which was having my last remaining ovary removed, because being only 34, it was not the best idea to undergo surgical menopause. I was excited to try my 6 months of Lupron to see if it provided at least a few years of relief. It was highly recommended, with the only side effects being worsening symptoms shortly after t

He said he drew a balloon because they see so much when you let them go. It gave me a different perspective on how I view myself in this dynamic life I live that always proves to be static and cyclical. I can't accept change because I haven't accepted myself. But yet, the balloon drifting in the wind doesn't change. It's still a balloon drifting up and over and around. That's the step I am missing. I don't have to change, I just need to see things different ways, look at different things. Take a step back and breathe. I'm always over explaining myself. My illness. I let it define me too much, but really how else do I deal with something that will never go away? I don't need anyone to understand, but yet I push for their understanding. I am so frustrated with myself that I think if I can explain and make sense out loud, maybe it'll be ok. I know I can't get any of the bad days back and make them better. But, I can make the best out of the good

I'm going to make this short. I'm out of energy (spoons) for the day. Ironic how what is probably endometriosis resurfacing in my life happens to occur during endometriosis awareness month! I'm getting anxious to talk to my OBGYN about this. I have no clue what she'll say. I'm even more excited to talk to this pelvic pain specialist up in Phoenix in the next few months. Honestly, I don't want to have another surgery. I'd like to see what my options are first, if there are any. I guess I'll have a lot to consider when I see these doctor folk. Anywhoo.... My bed is calling me. Actually, I'm in bed in my pajamas already. I couldn't wait to climb in after the kids were tucked in. I wish I had to energy to get up and make some tea, actually. Maybe even a small glass of wine. Just something to relax me even more since I'm comfy enough. I feel like I'm rambling.... Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month!

I go to bed every night thinking the next day will be better. I'll get more done. I'll be motivated. I'll watch what I eat a little better. I'll be a little happier. I'll be prepared for life. Then, I wake up, start my day, and life just seems to shove me back down to this terrible place that I cannot break away from. I have never been the insanely angry and aggressive type. I've been mean, hella moody, bipolar, sad, upset, lonely, pissed off... and now I'm all that rolled into a ball of aggression and anger. I just want to lash out so very badly. I want to start pushing everyone away and just letting all the awful mean things I hide come to the surface. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Will all be well or will I lash out and be the mean me hidden beneath?