Chronic Ama

I've been thinking about writing this for too long. I've started putting it down in my physical journal, but it didn't feel right just yet. I still don't think it feel right. It's too surreal and fresh out of my TV screen, But it happened. We had had enough and needed to get away. I flipped through listings for cabins up on the mountain, but decided that the cold really wasn't a good idea for either of us. I texted my mom and jokingly asked if she would pay for us to go to Vegas. No, but she would watch the kids. Was it doable? Could we really make it to Vegas? I remembered years back I had booked a hotel in Vegas for my parents as a birthday gift to my mom. It was very reasonable. I did it. I found a hotel suite with a hot tub in it for a reasonable price. I picked dates during Spring Break since the kids would be out of school and mom wouldn't have to shuffle them there and back for the three days we'd be gone. Six am on St Patricks Day came

Driving from Flagstaff to the Grand Canyon through the San Francisco Peaks.... The forest is filled with magic. Gnarled old trees look like they can reach their darkened branches out and wrap me in an embrace not lacking emotion and full or warning. The small trees are almost sweet and whispy like down. They yearn to grow as tall as the sky. Between the trees, the energy of the universe gathers. Some call this god, some the goddess or even Mother Earth. But I know it's witchcraft, full of potential and read to be mixed with the energy or knowledge, growth and love. This kind of magic can teach you to love yourself and show the importance of caring for others. I wish every being could feel this magic. I wish it could be harnessed to heal the Earth, people and all. We could use some healing.

Last year's vacation was just three weeks after my first excision surgery for endometriosis. I had had plenty of ablation surgeries along with a hysterectomy previously. I wasn't afraid of going on an 8 hour car trip so soon. It was something I looked forward to. This year feels different. In the last month, my endo symptoms have been looking over my shoulder day in and day out. I was actually scared of the car trip and the walking. It's not normal to have stabbing pains when my bladder is full, but that happened yesterday. I can remember a trip to San Diego a few years ago that I packed double for not knowing if I'd be swollen like I was in my second trimester. It really didn't bother me then. Now I find myself only buying stretchy pants and leggings. Thankfully stretch jeans are all the fashion. Comfort is key, right?  I really shouldn't care, but the swelling has become a symbol of pain and discomfort again. It can sometimes be a symbol of healin