Chronic Ama

We drove to Phoenix yesterday for my post surgery follow up. I was a little surprised to find out that the pathology report came back that the excised tissue was not endometriosis. It was scar tissue. That was actually a bit of a relief that I may be in the clear now to move forward a bit more. I did find out that my continued pain is from muscle spasms. I am full of scar tissue (adhesions) in my pelvis. None of it was excised with my last surgery as it has worked to hold things in place in places that I've lost organs. OK, makes sense. Apparently the scar tissue can trigger muscle spasms, which causes pain. Not all hope is lost! We're hoping that a combination of medication and physical therapy should alleviate the pain. And even if that doesn't help eliminate the pain, we have a plan in for other things that can help. Now I'm just waiting to be scheduled for physical therapy again. I'm also going to keep trying my best to be active. I've been really

I never thought I'd be so nervous about discussing pain management with my primary doctor. I need some kind of pain management to help me between now and surgery. This is also at my specialist's request. But, I'm nervous and I'm here feeling like and addict, although I'm far far from it. This is what the opioid crisis has done to people like me. I know, I talk to other women with endometriosis who are in the same boat. I'm not the only one that refuses to go to the emergency room when my pain gets out of control. Dealing with unbearable pain is the lesser of two evils. I'd rather scream or cry than ask for help and be sent to a social worker again. I'd rather tough it out than be labeled a drug seeker. Because once that ink dries, it's there. It doesn't go away. I have plenty of medical evidence that shows I'm not a drug seeker, but that doesn't seem to matter. I am just person who needs some kind of pain medication to help me feel some

I am horrible at finishing blogs lately. I admit that, yet again, I haven't been feeling my best. And when I do feel good, I guilt myself into catching up on every single thing as fast as I can. And then sometimes that starts a vicious cycle. Today I'm trying my best to break that cycle. I'm nursing a migraine. I had a breakthrough for about 2 hours with no pain, so I finished laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, vacuumed, took out the trash, cleaned the cat box, watered my plants and then took a recliner break because my pain came back in an instant. I have to drive up to Phoenix to see my pelvic pain specialist tomorrow, so I decided that it was time to hit the breaks. I made myself get in a hot bath. I made myself take all my meds. I am making myself take care of myself, as odd as that sounds to me. This week if laundry goes undone, but I complete a craft, I'll be happy. I won't submit to guilt. I'll have more good days in return, and that's the motivation

I've been debating on talking about how I'm feeling. I always freely talk about my dealing with endometriosis and my insights and a little about how I'm feeling, but I think it just touches the surface. It may also be the fact that it's been well over a year since I've felt this bad. The last truly bad time I've had was before my last surgery in August 2017. I made it through the summer and working the busy season at work, but before surgery, it was tough. It could also be that since the last bad time I've had, I seem to have gotten progressively worse. I'm also falling into a mild depression again. It has been over 2 years since I've had problems with depression and anxiety and have needed medication. I don't think I'm to that point yet and I'm trying my damnedest not to get to that point.  My pain is getting worse. For months I've had joint pain and endo pain, but usually at different times. My endo pain has also been under

I've been awake for over an hour, watching the sun come up. I caught a cold from my son and have been coughing and coughing since it was still dark out. And the coughing has brought a lot of pain today. Yesterday too, but not this bad. I feel like I should be used to it. It happens most mornings. My feet ache and I have to grip the edge of the bed and the door and the wall to make it across the hall to the bathroom. And then after a while, it dulls and I can ignore it. This morning my back aches, likely from the cough, and the pain in my legs has me slowly breathing in and out so I won't cry out loud. Being sick triggers a pain flare. I remember back in January I had the flu. Once I was over it, my body just gave up. I was in physical therapy and I rememver my husband having to take me and help me walk in. I didn't want to miss a session and it was important to me for my therapist to see what a bad flare looked like. After all that, I ended up taking a few weeks of work t

Welp, after such a fantastic day yesterday, I started off my Thursday completely achy and with a terrible case of the dropsies. I sacrificed an egg attempting to make breakfast. The recliner was so very accommodating after that. Currently I'm in a hellfire bath in an attempt to make my legs work. I'm hoping the meds I took help out a bit too. I'm looking forward to the monthly PTO meeting later, so it'd be really nice if my body could cooperate. I actually started using a different pain logging app called Pain Scale. I have abandoned Phendo for a bit since then pain I've been experiencing is only partly endometriosis pain. I don't think the endo is causing my joints to hurt like this, even though there is a possibility I could have endo lesions on my nerves. I actually can't wait to see my doctor next week and then to see my specialist the following week. My neuro follow up was also bumped up, which I'm happy for. Maybe we can make some sense of every

I've been feeling great the last two days and all I can think of is how the pendulum of my health swings to such extremes. Lately I try to keep track of everything to see what sets me off and what doesn't and there really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. This past Saturday morning, I could barely walk and it took an awful lot of medication to get me through the day. It was a great day in the end, but one still filled with lots of pain. And then today, I got up at my regular time, started laundry and picking up the house and then went outside to start to paint the porch. It was such a huge difference from how I felt just days before. On good days like today, I can't even fathom how I could have been in so much pain. I try not to waste a second of a good day. I don't know if I mentally put all the bad days in the back of my mind or if I hyper focus on feeling so good. It boggles me. Completely. I also never know how I am going to feel the next day. Today's da

I'm currently still on a search for as much information as I can find about the pending investigation into the drug Lupron. Lupron is a drug commonly used to treat prostate cancer in men, and more recently, to treat endometriosis symptoms in women (and men in some cases as well). It works by overstimulating the production of hormones, namely testosterone and estrogen, causing them to stop being produced temporarily. I fought with insurance companies in 2015 to take Lupron after having a surgery that provided no relief from my pelvic pain. It was the second to last resort treatment that my OBGYN at the time suggested. We didn't want to skip to the last resort, which was having my last remaining ovary removed, because being only 34, it was not the best idea to undergo surgical menopause. I was excited to try my 6 months of Lupron to see if it provided at least a few years of relief. It was highly recommended, with the only side effects being worsening symptoms shortly after t

I just learned that when you upgrade your phone and reinstall the blogger app, it pretty much wipes any drafts you had saved on your previous device. Yes, September Twentieth has been eaten by technology. Let's get on with this... I've been dwelling a lot on the two sides to having a chronic illness. I've been wanting to go back to the summer months when I felt a helluva lot better than I have felt recently. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I have such an interesting mix of good and bad days and they are equaling out a lot lately. I find myself saving my "spoons" a lot these days to sort of build up a wall around my good days and keep them good. You will likely see more of my good days than bad because bad days keep me holed up and hiding in a way. Believe me, it's better that way. Which brings me to the next part of my journey. Currently my return to work is pending. I have been restricted to work no more than 4-5 hours a day, 20-25 hours a wee

Currently waiting at a new OBGYNs office for a HRT consultation. Maybe I won't get told that it's impossible for me to have endometriosis or that there's nothing he can do for me. I'm nervous. I don't usually get nervous with doctors, but today I am. Update: OMG, I love my new OBGYN! He agreed that I very likely have endometriosis lesions and definitely at least have adhesions again. He agreed to start me on progesterone to see if it helps curb the symptoms I'm having.  I haven't really paid too much attention lately just because of everything in my life, but nausea has been quite a big symptom for me. I was actually surprised to see that I've lost some weight in the last few weeks, despite not being on my low carb, healthy eating path. I am not a breakfast person, but a lot of days even lunch is hard to get down. Hell, today I got an order of cheese curds and I wasn't the least bit upset about sharing them with my hungry offspring. I ev

More appointments today. I can't catch a break. My days are busy and I don't want them to be. I am anxiously awaiting vacation in October. Hopefully next week will slow down so I can start making packing lists and all that fun stuff. Today I did my sets is squats. I am going to try some heat when I get home and sit down to pay bills. Maybe I'll be able to hit the treadmill this afternoon and finish with some stretching. I haven't stuck to my plan.  So the treadmill didn't happen and I got hit with fatigue really bad again. Looking at the calendar, it's that time of the month for migraines and all the shit that comes with my phantom cycle. I guess now is where I cross my fingers and hope the preventative meds work their magic so I am not left with a migraine that lasts for days on end. My week is too busy for that.  Tuesday Update: I took my Maxalt (med to abort a migraine) at bed time last time and I pretty much passed out within minutes, like

Tuesday has not been looking any better than the past few days. I cracked my damn crown last night, but luckily I see a new dentist this week. I'm pretty sure my old dentist cracked it the last time I got my teeth cleaned and it's been wearing out ever since. And if you know me, you know I love dentist visits, but hate teeth. Ugh, my skin crawled when I spit out the chipped corner of my crown. In other news, we were up most of the night with Bellini as she caught another stomach bug. This has not been her year for stomach bugs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't pass it on to Loki or me. I will also be spending time with my trusty canister of Clorox wipes today. As for my stubborn body, I woke up so damn achy today, likely from listening intently every time the bathroom door shut. I took Aleve and am currently slowly walking on the treadmill to warm up my legs for some stretching. I really need to push over the hump of this flare up so it can go aw

September has not been off to a great start. I've been in a flare up since Saturday morning. I knew it was coming on too, but I ignored the warning signs. I was getting ready to go grab donuts for breakfast (gimme a break, we were still celebrating my husband's return home) and I felt like I was being stabbed just above the pubic bone, closer to my hip. It's a searing pain that catches you off guard. My first C-section was started with no anesthesia and a worn off epidural and when they started cutting on the left side, I felt everything! And yeah, the pain was like that. I went to the bedroom to sit down and catch my breath for a few seconds, not sure if it was going to go away or keep coming on. It finally went away in about 3 minutes, which felt like an eternity, especially because I was holding my breath and holding back a few tears. I was just sore, so I took a few steps toward the bedroom door. I could walk, so I should be fine, right? The pain came and went for the

Numbers are spelled wierd. I always think I'm spelling something wrong. But, I'm a writer, so I'm not supposed to spell, right? Today feels wierd. I want a project to do, but I'm still low on energy. Today I was supposed to relax, right? Don't worry, I am! I bought a pool lounger and threw it in our little pool. And that's where I am. Floating in little pool listening to Hocico and drinking my electrolytes. I bathed in sunscreen, but I honestly wouldn't mind the color. The sky is so clear today. I think I should bring my laptop out when I'm done in here and crank out some blog content. When it gets too hot, I can head inside to work on my pictures from the month of August. Oh look! I've got a plan for the day! I'm gonna keep floating. Catch you later....

I feel mildly like a psychopath. I'm soaking in a hot bath of epsom salt and listening to Carnifex while it's 100degrees out and my AC is excelling at its job. My legs haven't stopped hurting since I went to the ER two and a half weeks ago. My back started spasming shortly after and apparently caused my IT band to tighten again in my right leg as well as my piriformis muscles. Makes it feel like I'm on a medieval rack with my hips being pulled in opposite directions. My calves have also tightened up to keep everything in place. I hurt. And I'm trying my best to alleviate this cluster fuck of muscles that also feel like they weigh a thousand pounds. But, I digress in my complaints. I walked two miles this morning! Let's digress again.... I have never considered those metal handles in the bathtub until this very moment. Right now. I'm contemplating how the hell I'm going to get out of the tub. I'll let you know how it goes.... It went fine. I'

No, I didn't forget about you. I was busy enjoying my weekend with my family. We went on a mini adventure on Saturday to the Arizona State Museum and then to lunch at The Fix. I highly recommend The Fix for your mac 'n cheese fix. It wasn't crowded and the food was yummy. Perfect for a cheat day! Haha! I've almost survived the first day of my husband being away for work. I don't know if I'll survive the night. I don't sleep well alone. I think maybe Azra will have to snuggle with me tonight. Or, maybe I'll just pass out watching Netflix at some ungodly hour. I'll let you know what happens. My leave of absence was approved! I'm just waiting on seeing my primary doctor next week to have paperwork finalized. I indeed feel like a weight was lifted. Now I have time to focus on getting better (again) and going on to the next step in this plan of mine. You're going to have to wait for it, though. It's a lengthy process. I'm making toda

It's storming here and my pup is pretty scared of the thunder. She usually isn't, but I think the combination of the wind and rain with it is putting her on high alert. She's desperately trying to get under the covers with me. I used to fall asleep with her when she was a little tiny puppy, but now having 65 pounds of poochifer on me is not quite comfortable.  I, on the other hand, am enjoying the rain. The sky has been teasing to dump rain for a few days now and it's finally here! While this has thrown a wrench in our plans to go to the lake this weekend, it has opened up the opportunity to stay close by and visit another museum. I'm excited to go on another family adventure. There will be plenty of pictures to share too! In other news, today was indeed my last day at work until at least October. All morning I dreaded telling anyone. I sometimes don't like explaining my health issues only because I sound like I'm a wimp. But, then, I remember a

I skipped a day again. I was tired yesterday. And today was a little rough. I had to come to terms with my health a little. I push myself a lot. I ignore my body a lot. I do it because I always want to do more, do better, keep going. And I can't. I really need to take a step back and find my balance. I have a plan, though! And I'll share it little by little as I think putting it out there may just make me stick to it. First, I am arranging to take a leave from work for a little bit. I am seeing a plethora of doctors next month, both new and old. My goal is to have them help me solve these migraines that have been leading to bigger and bigger flare ups. I need to get on the correct HRT that will help me avoid both the migraines/flare ups and the faster return of pain causing Endo lesions. Once that is done, I need to really balance what I can and can't do. If I have to limit my work hours to relieve some stress, then I need to stick to that. And I also have to learn to lis

Yes, I skipped a post yesterday for August Twentieth. I had a long day and at the end, I just wanted to be in bed with my husband catching up on our shows from the weekend. (We're fans of Preacher and Fear The Walking Dead). Today I was still tired. I think it's party because of the new med I'm on to prevent migraines and partly because I'm still nursing my way through last week's crap. My muscles are still achy. My legs feel like lead. My hips hurt. My pinkie finger on my right hand doesn't feel the same, it randomly falls asleep and then sometimes it just doesn't work. Ugh! I worked on the floor today and walked around so much my back was spasming by 11am. Thankfully I keep my muscle relaxers with me and I bought this awesome little CBD vape pen. I think the combination really saved me today. Tomorrow I think I may have to take ibuprofen every four hours to see if that helps prevent more spasming and maybe helps my legs and hips feel a little better. I

Two days of rest and I'm still feeling like hot garbage. I caught a cold/sinus infection on top of everything. I got all ready for work today and went to take my kids to school only to find that the car ride makes me seriously dizzy. So, no driving for me today. I also am starting to have an endo flare. My legs feel like there's weights wrapped around them. My stomach is not happy with me. My back is mildly spasming. I hate my body sometimes. Yes, it's my body and I don't get another one, but this is rough. I had been feeling so good. And, I admit, maybe pushing myself a little too much. But I think a little push shouldn't send me spiraling down. I don't want to feel good and then just keep slow and steady. I want to feel good and keep going. This is where all my fear comes from. It's not even the pain I'm afraid of anymore. It's just the wide array of symptoms that seem to pop up without rhyme or reason. And then there's the guilt. Guilt is su