Santa's Reindeer Are All Girls day 6

I never thought I'd be so nervous about discussing pain management with my primary doctor. I need some kind of pain management to help me between now and surgery. This is also at my specialist's request. But, I'm nervous and I'm here feeling like and addict, although I'm far far from it.

This is what the opioid crisis has done to people like me. I know, I talk to other women with endometriosis who are in the same boat. I'm not the only one that refuses to go to the emergency room when my pain gets out of control. Dealing with unbearable pain is the lesser of two evils. I'd rather scream or cry than ask for help and be sent to a social worker again. I'd rather tough it out than be labeled a drug seeker. Because once that ink dries, it's there. It doesn't go away. I have plenty of medical evidence that shows I'm not a drug seeker, but that doesn't seem to matter. I am just person who needs some kind of pain medication to help me feel some semblance of normal again.

Yet, here I am, trying so hard to do what is best for me. My blood pressure is up, my heart rate is tell tale that I'm nervous. And I can't bring myself to just openly say I'm in constant pain. It ranges from tolerable to needing help using the bathroom. And in the latter scenario, tylenol doesn't cut it. I need opioids. I don't want them by any means. I need them. I need some quality of life on those out of control pain days. I need to stay ahead of the pain cycle. I need to feel human again.

And again, I just can't bring myself to advocate for the medication I need. It's time to play the trial and error game again. Time to just suck it up and hope for the best.