ideation

Sometimes I wish I was an introvert. Maybe the pain of being alone a lot would turn to pleasure. I wouldn't need to schedule coffee dates because I wouldn't have this hole in my soul that can only be filled with the presence of others.

I could easily pass off the last few years of having people as a phase. I'm an introvert now. 

Grocery shopping panic attacks make sense because I'm an introvert now. I can pass that blame on to the pandemic maybe.

I'll start getting comfortable with the fact that I am truly disabled now. I can't work or keep up with my own little business demands. It's ok, I was running out of energy lugging the same shit all over town. Also, I'm an introvert now. I'd rather not have to talk to people about what I make and why I make it. And be disappointed when they keep walking by, too turned off to even say hello. Introverts appreciate it that. We don't mind when people keep walking by. It's less stress to deal with in the long run.

I won't be disappointed about the lack of date nights. Prime video is a rabbit hole of programing for true crime and take out. I don't even have to change out of my pajamas. Also, time to return the clothes that I can't wear as pajamas. If it's not multifunctional, I don't want want it. 

I can be happy in a messy bun and leggings. Right?! I don't have to care. I don't need to impress anyone. They'll stay away and that's ok because I'm an introvert now.

I stayed in bed two days in a row last month. I couldn't function. It's ok though because I'm an introvert now. I don't need to function. I could just sleep and sleep and when I'm not asleep it doesn't matter because I exist to bring comfort to others. The only reason I wake up is to not disrupt their lives. I cling to the idea of what if.

What if I don't wake up and get out of bed. It'll be selfish. But the pain won't be there. It won't matter if I'm an introvert or not. I'll still be there for those few people, but in a different way. The pain will be gone. I'll still be there. No pain. Nothing will hurt. And they won't even care if I come around or not. 

I don't want to wake up.