Chronic Ama

It's 2:15 in the afternoon.  I only worked 4 hours today, but my body feels like I worked 10.  I finally got my B12 shot. For the 1st time it made my arm hurt pretty bad. I don't know how to say this but I've been slowly feeling depressed again.  I start my leave from work on Tuesday And that's not really a bad thing. 18 years of working with a company... It's gonna be a little sad to start my leave because I know I'm probably not coming back. If anything I'm not looking forward to missing the people that I have grown to love over the years. I know this is the right decision for me, though. I think for the 1st time in a long time I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I have no plans for the 2nd year in a row and I don't even know if I want to celebrate. That makes me sad because I love celebrating anything and everything. I don't care about getting older. It just feels like my life is changing so dramatically. It's also hard to celebrate

I'm at work this morning and I'm miserable. I feel great today, but I have grown to despise the toxic environment that my workplace has become. No one is happy. And that bothers me. I've always read articles about why employees are unhappy and the thing that sticks out to me is that people don't usually quit jobs, they quit bosses. I feel that rings very true lately. I have seen so many people leave simply because they feel there is a huge lack of respect lately. That has been my nail in the coffin. I have 7 shifts left before I take a leave again. Yes, my health does play a role in this. But my health has always been a factor in everything. And, previously, despite my health, I have always tried to give my job 120% because of the people I have worked with. Now, I honestly can't change how people treat each other. I have tried, but the lack of communication and kindness has already left an irreparable rift in the environment and toxicity has seeped in and d

I just learned that when you upgrade your phone and reinstall the blogger app, it pretty much wipes any drafts you had saved on your previous device. Yes, September Twentieth has been eaten by technology. Let's get on with this... I've been dwelling a lot on the two sides to having a chronic illness. I've been wanting to go back to the summer months when I felt a helluva lot better than I have felt recently. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I have such an interesting mix of good and bad days and they are equaling out a lot lately. I find myself saving my "spoons" a lot these days to sort of build up a wall around my good days and keep them good. You will likely see more of my good days than bad because bad days keep me holed up and hiding in a way. Believe me, it's better that way. Which brings me to the next part of my journey. Currently my return to work is pending. I have been restricted to work no more than 4-5 hours a day, 20-25 hours a wee

I'm starting to hate a job I have mostly loved. The stress feels different this season. Poor communication and exclusivity make for poor morale. Which means I'm on the treadmill again. But it's great because it gives me time to clear my head and write, even if it's a little bit of meaningless crap. Last night I splurged on some stroopwaffle cookies. I'm not beating myself up over it, though. It's pizza night for Loki and I, but I plan on making a salad with pizza toppings on top. I apparently eat a lot of salads. They're so universal, though. They're filling and so so easily low carb.  I'm also strangely optimistic about my health these last few days. I've been feeling great, with pretty much no pain. I have been using a neoprene belt when I'm on the treadmill. I read an article about how they hold in heat which helps with the back pain and belly pain I get. It's too hot to use a heating pad, so using my own body heat while I

No two pregnancies are alike... especially between your first and second. I've heard that over and over and over again, but I seem to refuse to acknowledge it. I made it through my first 12 weeks unscathed, being high risk for miscarriage. In between, I had horrible cramps, which no one told me were completely normal with a second child. Thanks for that memo! As if being pregnant wasn't hard enough as it is... I was released to my regular OBGYN in March, who took over keeping a close eye on me. In April, she decided I could only work 7 hour day shifts at work, which was fine with me. I can't lift or bend or run marathons. Again, fine with me. May 5th we found out we're having a baby boy. Mark Logan Avery is due September 23rd. But, May 9th, we found out, he'd be coming between September 12th and 16th. Wooo! Time to start planning. A scheduled C section is fine with me, but I had 18 weeks to get things out of the way, which is where my trouble began. We planned a yar