December 27

Let me be honest today. I've been struggling with depression for over a month now. It's getting harder to hide.

I don't sleep well. I've only dreamed once in weeks. I keep losing weight despite all the holiday food. Thankfully my make up does beautifully at hiding the dark circles under my eyes. They don't go away anymore. I've learned to put on eye cream before I even brush my teeth in the morning.

Last night was rough. I started new medication that made me incredibly dizzy and then rashy and itchy at 3am. It's an extended release, so it's been coming in waves all morning.

Running errands yesterday wiped me out.

I've been dreading my upcoming surgery. I can't get it out of my head that I just don't want to do it. I hate the recovery time. I hate struggling for help. I usually end up sucking it up and not giving myself the time to rest. I end up hiding the pain from everyone just to keep going. I make myself believe I don't matter. It's easy when you have a disease that no one understands. Must as well just pretend I'm ok. I hate that I don't even have the energy to prepare anything right now. My list keeps getting longer.

We were supposed to celebrate our anniversary today, but that got canceled. I don't think I feel like celebrating anyway.

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