Birthday Month Day 28

I've been debating on talking about how I'm feeling. I always freely talk about my dealing with endometriosis and my insights and a little about how I'm feeling, but I think it just touches the surface. It may also be the fact that it's been well over a year since I've felt this bad. The last truly bad time I've had was before my last surgery in August 2017. I made it through the summer and working the busy season at work, but before surgery, it was tough. It could also be that since the last bad time I've had, I seem to have gotten progressively worse. I'm also falling into a mild depression again. It has been over 2 years since I've had problems with depression and anxiety and have needed medication. I don't think I'm to that point yet and I'm trying my damnedest not to get to that point. 

My pain is getting worse. For months I've had joint pain and endo pain, but usually at different times. My endo pain has also been under control and was not flaring up very often. It did start in spring time with mild stabbing pain in my lower right pelvis, just as it had previously. I went off hormones to keep the endo from growing more. I think it helped at first, but endometriosis can make it's on estrogen to feed off of. I think I'm at the point where it's just growing and I can't do anything to stop it. The stabbing pain happens daily. It takes my breath away. Sometimes it goey as quickly as it comes. Sometimes it stays around and shoots down my legs. Yesterday, it was down both legs and then slowly moved up my back. It even hurt to lay in bed. I spend my birthday wondering if I should go to the ER. Muscle relaxers did nothing. I'm stubborn to take pain killers. I absolutely hate being in a sleepy fog all day. Opioids take away the pain, but the constipation the next few days makes the pain so much worse. My tolerance to marijuana is getting up pretty high (no pun intended), so I haven't wanted to use that as much as I have been. I hate needing more and more of something. It was hard to want to help myself yesterday. I wanted to have a good day. I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I couldn't think of much more than the pain and that made me think of what a shitty birthday I was having. Those thoughts have a way of spiraling and getting worse. 

I wish I could do over my birthday. Ok, no, I don't want a do over. I think I want to just forget it this year. Mentioning my birthday is just going to make me think about the day I had. I want to forget it. I made everyone around me miserable. 

I'm not writing this for sympathy. I don't need your condolences. Please don't tell me to get better. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to feel better. Just like cancer, there is no cure for endometriosis. My specialist has even been up front in telling me that this is a condition that I will deal with for the rest of my life. It may get better over time, but we have years to see if that's the case. Also just like cancer, endometriosis grows where it wants to. The only difference is that endometriosis can't kill you. The grim truth is that most endometriosis related deaths are from suicide, surgery complications or from opioid related overdose. In the last few years I have read too many accounts of women with endometriosis committing suicide to escape the debilitating pain. It's heartbreaking that a disease can be so debilitating that one would consider suicide as the best option. I can see why it would happen. I personally have had my pain dismissed by doctors. I have been labeled a drug seeker in the ER and even been referred to a social worker. I have had a pharmacist refuse to fill my prescriptions for pain medication. I have had a human resources executive at work tell me to stop saying I had a disease. She told me it shouldn't be that bad because I wasn't going to die from it. I have been denied leave of absence for surgery because there wasn't enough medical evidence of my condition (I appealed and won). I have had my husband not want to touch me for fear of causing me pain. I have worried my children with trips to the hospital. I have seen my mother cry for me. Can you see how someone suffering like me would be enamored by suicide? I'm lucky I'm strong. I'm lucky I have a good support system. I'm lucky I don't think suicide is a viable option for relief. 

If you take anything away from this, know that I'm going to be alright. I can deal with pain. I can preserver. Just please don't tell me to feel better or that you hope I get better. It would mean so much more to spend some time with me to get my mind off everything. I'd much rather build fun memories when I do feel well. I'd rather receive a text or call or visit just to say hi. That means so much more than "feel better."