An open letter to my mother

I dont know why things like this are so hard to say face to face. Maybe its because through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, words fail to do any justice to emotions and feelings. Words are just a filler between holding you tight and wiping away my own tears. Words don't form well between sobs and the need reach deeper and deeper for strength.

I want you to know you are strong. You are one of the strongest women in my life. It is amazing looking up to you. It's just as amazing trying to figure out your strength.

I want you to know that I can never be truly mad at you for anything. Its just these horrible emotions. I don't know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell to get them out of me. And then I want to drown them down down down where they fail to exist.

I want you to know that I see you in me every day. I don't know if it's a gift or a curse to love so purely that every atom of your being is reaching out to help everyone. It's inspiring watching you put everyone first. I try so hard to do it too, but I had to teach myself that I matter too along with all the things that are part of my heart. I don't know how to give my all like you and have something left. But I know that pure love is part of me too.

I want you to know that I wish every day that I could take your grief from you. I wish I could cry your tears. I wish I could be the first in line to fight for you. Grief is harder to feel when it covers your face and fights for your heart. I know grief and sadness like this are temporary and born out of love, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to see you wearing it.

Above all, I want you to know that I love you. Being a mother is not easy. Every day I find new reasons to love you, they surface among the daily trials of motherhood. They shine like diamonds in the darkest corners. They're so bright, they light my way. But that kind of is how love works, right? It's finding all the ways and reasons to love someone. It's loving someone through the dark. It's love that lights our way.

And now I don't know how to end this. I know there's so much more to say and a hundred ways to say it. I'm going to learn how to these next few weeks I'm sure. Maybe we can learn together.