Chronic Ama

I'm going to make this short. I'm out of energy (spoons) for the day. Ironic how what is probably endometriosis resurfacing in my life happens to occur during endometriosis awareness month! I'm getting anxious to talk to my OBGYN about this. I have no clue what she'll say. I'm even more excited to talk to this pelvic pain specialist up in Phoenix in the next few months. Honestly, I don't want to have another surgery. I'd like to see what my options are first, if there are any. I guess I'll have a lot to consider when I see these doctor folk. Anywhoo.... My bed is calling me. Actually, I'm in bed in my pajamas already. I couldn't wait to climb in after the kids were tucked in. I wish I had to energy to get up and make some tea, actually. Maybe even a small glass of wine. Just something to relax me even more since I'm comfy enough. I feel like I'm rambling.... Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month!

Today I have officially been diagnosed with "Chronic Pelvic Pain." Well, fuck my life, right? Yeah, but I'm not going to freak out and give myself a panic attack. I'm so over that! I just don't have time to panic. I gotta take this day by day. At least it's bearable pain that's not interfering with my life [yet]. Everything so far points to scar tissues (adhesions) from all the damn surgeries I've had in my life. (I think I've surpassed lucky 13.) Guess we'll wait a spell and see what the new specialist has in mind. Oh, right! I'm apparently being referred to a doctor in Phoenix that specializes in pelvic pain. (http://www.dignityhealth.org/stjosephs/services/cancer-center/pelvic-pain-and-gynecologic-surgery/meet-the-team/michael-hibner) I'm kinda excited to see what comes of this. Maybe an end? Maybe a new diagnosis? Maybe nothing? Who knows? At least I have an excuse to visit Fluffit Marshamallows again! Look at me, looki

"The feelings I have will haunt me 'til I'm mad" It takes a cold, rainy, gloomy day to throw my universe back into alignment. Maybe not totally, but it's well on its way to being repaired. Each day is a fresh start, right? I just need to keep that in mind. I also have coffee dates planned, cookies to sell and a To Do list to knock the fuck out, which should all keep me in line. I will report that after nearly two weeks of utter crap with La Paloma Academy, my wonderful daughter is able to transfer to Sonoran Science Academy. This lifted a lot of the weight on my wings. I know no school is perfect, but with the rigorous academics and the inclusion of parent involvement, my gut tells me this is the right move. Of course, there are still decisions to be made and forward progression to take note of. But, today, I'm in a far better place than I was yesterday. And I didn't even need a Xanax! I need to finish enjoying the rain and the cold and

I go to bed every night thinking the next day will be better. I'll get more done. I'll be motivated. I'll watch what I eat a little better. I'll be a little happier. I'll be prepared for life. Then, I wake up, start my day, and life just seems to shove me back down to this terrible place that I cannot break away from. I have never been the insanely angry and aggressive type. I've been mean, hella moody, bipolar, sad, upset, lonely, pissed off... and now I'm all that rolled into a ball of aggression and anger. I just want to lash out so very badly. I want to start pushing everyone away and just letting all the awful mean things I hide come to the surface. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Will all be well or will I lash out and be the mean me hidden beneath?

I totally have this working out thing down. I really have not been able to reign in my appetite, though. I think I love food tooooooo damn much! That doesn't mean I'm going to give up, though. I'm going to keep trying every day to eat just a little less. I wonder if it will help to completely plan out my day, including snacks. I have a pantry full of great options. Maybe I will set aside some time tonight doing that. I also prolly need to make a quick grocery trip for a few things. I'm out of vanilla yogurt and I just can't make my berry oatmeal smoothies without it! Here's to another awesome week ahead of us! And... Girl Scout cookies... that's a blog for another day... like, tomorrow.

I had my perfect day off outlined in my head this morning... Drop kids off at school.... Hit the gym... Pay some bills... Take a shower and then a nap. I'm certain that by now you've guessed that has not at all happened. Well, I did get the bills paid finally at least. My rough and tough little boy took a fall yesterday and woke up this morning with his knee bruised and swollen and limping around. Alright, he did milk it for all it was worth, but we decided to play it safe and hit urgent care. HOURS later, we confirm it's just badly bruised and he needs to keep it wrapped and ice it for a few days. Now I'm on my third load of laundry and need to pick up my Angel from school. I also have yet for that steamy shower. Don't worry, I've kissed the nap goodbye. Damn.

I think I finally figured out what the hell I'm doing wrong when it comes to taking care of myself. After months of contemplating where the fucking glitch in the matrix was, I figured it the fuck out today. I. Can't. Take. A. Fucking. Break. No, really. I can't. I seem completely incapable of relaxing or taking more than a few minutes to recoup. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and I finally think I can stop. See, what happens is that I like to keep busy and keep going and to have everything perfect. I very well could have come home and relaxed or iced my shoulder or made myself an icey cold diet coke. But, I didn't. I took on project after project and integrated snack after snack. Like, since I couldn't stop for a break, I might as well just reward my hard working ass with a snack. And then another snack and then left over egg rolls. Seriously, this is some shit that I have dug myself into. Tomorrow I am clearing my calendar except for a gym date and finish