Let's be honest here...

Admitting that I'm getting depressed is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to be a happy person. I want to love my life and look forward to each day. I don't think I've been able to do that for almost a year now. I feel stupid complaining about my health again and again. I feel like no one really understands that actual physical pain I've been in. You can't see it on the outside, so I feel like people don't think it exists and I just make it up for attention. Sometimes I wish that were true. It would be easier to deal with maybe. I'm also tired of explaining to people what's wrong with me. What this disease has done to me and that I probably can't have more kids. Which makes it harder when people ask when I'm going to have more. I'm absolutely sick of people reasoning that I should be grateful for the child I have because I at least have one. Don't they think I've thought of that? It's still pretty devastating to know that something that should be part of your nature as a woman is unattainable. It feels like something was taken from you and you're being punished. I am tired of being punished for what I believe is no reason at all.

I also feel like I'm stuck in time. I thought having this surgery and seeing this doctor would get results sooner rather than later because I feel like I've waited long enough for something to change. I'm still in pain. The doctor said it's just everything healing and it'll take time and maybe I'll get a period soon. That's really not acceptable. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN PAIN ANYMORE. I don't want to suck it up at work and eat Tylenol like candy for weeks on end again. I don't want to miss anymore work because I'm in pain. My job already makes me feel like I don't matter. I feel like I've lost the support of my friends and family. I feel like I'm going to stop caring about myself completely. What else can I do? It's also become a financial drain to keep up with doctors visits and surgery and the possibility of further procedures. Maybe it truly isn't worth it, in more than one respect.