Chronic Ama

I tell you every day how much I love you and I will never stop. You have been there with me to hell and back, time and time again. Those trips aren't even worth recounting unless it's to remind myself just how much you mean to me.  You hold my hand through every step I take in this life. You are quick to pick me up every time I fall. You bandage my scraped knees and kiss my aches and pains away. Love is the best medicine I have ever had and you give me an abundance of it. I love to just look at you sometimes. I can get lost in your eyes, they're the most gorgeous green that I've ever seen. They truly are little windows to your soul, so full of the universe and everything that entails. I like to point out the ways you've changed through the years we've been together. The little white hairs in your beard remind me that we're growing old together. They match the silvery strands in my hair that I have chosen to keep dying away. Maybe one day I'll

I dont know why things like this are so hard to say face to face. Maybe its because through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, words fail to do any justice to emotions and feelings. Words are just a filler between holding you tight and wiping away my own tears. Words don't form well between sobs and the need reach deeper and deeper for strength. I want you to know you are strong. You are one of the strongest women in my life. It is amazing looking up to you. It's just as amazing trying to figure out your strength. I want you to know that I can never be truly mad at you for anything. Its just these horrible emotions. I don't know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell to get them out of me. And then I want to drown them down down down where they fail to exist. I want you to know that I see you in me every day. I don't know if it's a gift or a curse to love so purely that every atom of your being is reaching out to help everyone. It's

The pantry was definitely my inner self forcing me to live that metaphor. I feel like everything is a mess right now. There's so much going on. So much noise. So much on my plate. We've gotten through this before. It's the little victories that pull us through. Saturday evening and ran a quick errand to pick up some much needed medicine. I ran into an old coworker that really brightened my day. It was nice to see someone that I enjoyed working with. It was even super cool that she wished me a happy birthday, remembering that our birthdays are a day apart. It's those little details that people remember that make you feel good. After the nice conversation, I headed home. On the corner of the street on the way home I see a little blonde girl with her dad standing, holding a Girl Scout Cookie sign. It immediately made me think of my Bellini and her dad. They were such a perfect cookie selling team. It's been bittersweet not selling cookies this year. I had to stop a

Last night I lay in bed, wide awake, thinking and feeling everything in my life at all once. I felt like that evening last week when the sky was dark and grey all day and then, ever so slowly, the clouds opened up to reveal the sunset. One by one, an aura of beauty was revealed as each color shone in the sky. It was yellow and then orange. Pink arched through the clouds as they turned to purple. Then the last bit of blue shone through before it darkened into the night sky. I felt every color rushing through me as an emotion. Anger. Grief. Pain. Solace. As the stars began to shine through their blanket of dark, I began to match each point with something in my mind. I still don't know how to feel, but I know I felt that sunset and then a pinch of light with each star in the sky.

  I've been doing that thing again where I start to write, but then the idea gets lost somewhere and I never finish it. My list of drafts is getting pretty long. At least I have quite a few tidbits to read through in case I ever need an idea, right? I've been thinking about blogging about how my make-up routine changes drastically the more my "spoonie" days show up. Honestly, there isn't a thing in life that endometriosis hasn't changed. It's overwhelming to think about. I've been sort of breaking things down in my head. Make-up for starters. The way I dress has changed. The things I eat changes weekly sometimes. Relationships and friendships change. Really, this list can get huge.  I'm sure you know by now that I love make-up, especially make up in bold, different colors that I can play with. I live by the idea that a day without eyeliner is a day wasted. I like my eyeliner, but there's just some days that getting on face cream i

I have the house to myself for a spell. I put on makeup and another new dress to test run today. Then, I decided to clean and purge the pantry. I've found strange (to me) things: 4 opened bags of powdered sugar . The need to wear an apron to complete this task. Nuts seeds and sugar free chocolate.... all the low carb snacks I learned to love and then dismissed as soon as Halloween crept near. Extra dry vermouth because I forgot that i can make a pretty good classic martini. 10 bag clips not attached to anything. And finally, a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt for a long time.

I long to be on the go, to be outside in the warm January sun. I want to finish all the things I've started today.... the laundry in the washer, dryer and couch. The dishes in the sink from breakfast and the freezer meal prep this morning. The pantry in need of a clean out to make dinner menus and put away today's groceries. The little details I've started in the patio in acrylic paint. Lastly, my planner in need of my inked ideas for getting through the next week and a half so I can begin planning my recovery. I feel robbed and almost victimized by my illness right now. More so because it feels more than evident that something else is at play. My feet and hands hurt badly. Last night, I clung to my husband's chest as the lower part of my back tightened and released again and again for what seemed like endless moments. I held back my tears because I didn't want to ruin our evening vegetation ritual that we both desperately need through the week. I watch little old

I made it to the bookstore today. I didn't find what I wanted, but the chickens found more than their allotment. They each came home with three more books to add to the piles they received for Christmas. My only glorious find was a valentines gift for my husband. I should hide it in the pantry, where he can never find anything. We came home and I forced everyone outside. Today has been the first nice day in a bit. Southern Arizona got a taste of winter and it was like your least favorite vegetable.  The kids started with a volcano science experiment set. I really hope I'm not cooking anything that calls for vinegar anytime soon. I can't get the smell out of my nose, or the kitchen or the outside trash can.  I started out with a Coke Zero. I was bored, which is the one thing I cannot stand to hear anyone complain about. Then, as quickly as the sun warmed me up, I remembered that I had this grand idea for painting the porch posts. I had even picked up acrylic paints when

A lot of my days consist of resting wrapped in my favorite blanket and afternoon tea because night time is hit or miss. I didn't sleep much last night. I ended up falling asleep on top of all the bed covers with my heated blanket because I couldn't move to get under them. At 1:30 this morning, I wandered into the kitchen for more meds and water and debated just staying awake until I got tired again. I didn't. I went back to my heated blanked that was now turned off and rearranged my pillows and stared at all the odd shapes that things make in the dark. I think around 3am I found sleep again. I wanted to wake up and go to the bookstore. I was still pretty sleepy as I made brunch at 11am. I drank coffee in a daze and I can probably only recount parts of my day. I allowed myself to fall asleep in the recliner in the late afternoon. The sound of cartoons didn't bother me as my zombie kids wrapped themselves in blankets and relaxed on their second to last day of win

It's really a flawed design when you look at it. Who ever thought a heart and brain belong inside the same being at once in a forced coexistence? Mine are constantly at war. Neither can ever be wrong. Sometimes I have to take sides. Sometimes my gut has to get a word in. Sometimes I'm just sitting in the middle listening and taking bits of wisdom from each, trying to make sense of the world around me. How do you choose which one to follow?

When we lose someone we can talk and think about so many things. Love. Family. Grief. Sadness. Joy. But that's just the thing.... I told my mom that it's a strange thing. Death is the only guarantee in life, the single thing we can bank on. And we know nothing about it. The truth is, we know everything about it. We know that it brings people together. We know that it reminds us how important life truly is. We know it encompasses every emotion known to man all at once and one by one. We learn from it and we live from it. Death inspires art. Death inspires poetry. Death inspires science. Music, literature, philosophy, religion… an unending list of beautiful things born out of grief and darkness.  I think what we can take away from this is what each of us chooses. We can choose to grieve. We can choose anger. Both are emotions that have run through my veins on such occasions. But I also chose not to hold on to them. I reach for every little drop of love and

In the spawn of a second, nothing really changed but a digit on my smart phone screen. Why do we celebrate a new year anyway? Because each calendar year must be ended and commemorated with the illusions of resolutions for a new set of numbers to live by. That's a lot to take in. Because life is, simply, cyclical. What begins, must come to an end. What ends fosters new beginning. I don't do resolutions. I never have. Besides, there are so many ways to resolve to be better and no one way is truly the right way. And why would anyone resolve to do the same things over again because you didn't accomplish them previously? That, my friends, is a sure route to depression and self loathing that not one of us deserves. Seriously, don't resolve to do anything for the second year unless you have a damned good excuse for not getting it done the first time around. That's probably how aging works. You can never spend to much time wishing because you end up with a bag of regret.

First impression, this is seamless. Next, it really plays on the theory that every small decision u make shapes your life, starting with day to day experiences. Now we add that we can manipulate scenarios with technology. We've been obsessed with this idea since Oregon trail. And look at how many statistics we encounter on a daily basis, also a way of controlling or predicting an outcome with (primitive) technology (math). I also wondered if this interactive media was truly at the viewers choice. You can't change the past, as we were reminded early on via a looped path and a direct quote. I think I'm being sucked into the rabbit hole of existential theory now. I also don't want this to be just a movie or it to be a modern day fable noting that we can always fix ourselves despite the past. I really want to delve into so much more with this. Surely I'd be neglected if there was nothing beneath the surface. And surely I can't be the only rapidly firi

I slept terribly last night. I woke up in the middle of a dream with intense pain in my feet and legs. It took a while for a muscle relaxer to kick in, but I fell back asleep for the most part. I gave in and took a vicodin this morning to stay on top of the pain. It helped. I was able to run the last errand I needed to run. I even wrapped a few more presents. I guess now its feeling like crunch time. I can't put things off like I have been. It's my hope to be able to get in the kitchen tomorrow. I want to make some peanut clusters and I'm still itching to make lemon curd. I was also going to attempt a small batch of scones if I have the energy. We also still have sugar cookies to frost at mom's house.  I think I'm just blogging my to-do list now! So boring, I know. For me, it's a help to get all this mundane crap out of my brain. Also, I'm sitting at Chuck E. Cheese, so this was my little bit of quiet time today.