Chronic Ama

I feel like although some days fly by me, February is still being a relentless bitch. Mark's birthday passed. It was uneventful this year and I hate uneventful events. Does that even make sense? It should for anyone that knows me. I'm the celebration queen and my crown is a sparkling mess. I think it went along with all the uneventful events of the last few months. Valentines Day was as good as it was going to get, but mostly because we just needed a damn break. We finally saw "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it was beautiful. It was the little piece of art I was looking for, that small spark that my soul needed. It was also great spending the day with Mark. Although we've spent countless hours glued together this last month, it was just nice to sit and not have to rush for anything or be somewhere or check off a list. That makes me think of something I said this weekend... while we were quickly getting ready for a family dinner, we noted that on Friday we wanted to

It's been 8 days since surgery. I'm finally starting to have good days with minimal pain and discomfort. I finally started to tackle my "to-do" list today and checked a few things off. I'm hoping to file my taxes next week and get that shit out of the way, as long as my W2 from work makes it here. After completing a few things today, I realized I'm at the mercy of my emotions lately. I am still dealing with depression and slight anxiety. I am still not sleeping too well. Just when I find the right combo of meds to take before bed, it all goes out the window. Sometimes I come out of a deep sleep thinking about my grandfather. I wake up disoriented and my heart is sad, yet I don't feel the need to cry. Sometimes I wake up with breakthrough pain, even just hours after taking my nightly meds. It strikes me out of no where and I wake up worried that I will need to go to the hospital. Falling back asleep is difficult when you refuse to go to the ER, but th

My son is very smart. He's a little sponge. And he's also an open heart, ready to just spew love. So, today he went to the school office complaining of diarrhea, the one thing they have to take his word for. Can't really check to see if the mud butt is in swing or not, right? My mom brought him home so I could take care of him. I needed to mend his heart a little. He's been afraid of losing me. He sees the sadness in everyone's heart since Tata has passed and he is so very afraid of that kind of sadness. He sees my mom sad because she lost her father. He sees his mother sick a lot lately. He has correlated the two, even though they are very different things. I feel a little lost explaining death to my son. I don't want to see him so sad or so scared. I want him to be able to move forward and love life like I know he can. I know we are all healing right now and I just hope I can help heal him a little more. I want to calm his fears and set his mind at ease

Sitting in a hotel in Tempe, Arizona this evening waiting on my husband to get back with dinner. I have to travel to see my pelvic pain specialist, as you probably know by now. I am nearing the end of my three day stay here to have my second laparoscopic surgery with this doctor. We were hoping this would be the start of figuring out my health decline. In addition to pelvic pain, I have debilitating migraines and what we think are symptoms of fibromyalgia. This is the beginning to answers and to healing that hopefully brings me a longer spell of good health.  I'm going to rewind to the beginning to December here (soon, i'd like to rapid rewind to document my female health journey). I had another follow up with Dr. Desai to discuss my worsening pain. She gave me two options. The first was pain management and physical therapy. The pain started when I was still quite active, running and walking on the treadmill as often as I could and also doing stretching and core streng