Chronic Ama

As a woman, I am well aware that health is often measured by that nasty little digital number on the top of my scale. It is insanely hard to change that idea since we are inundated with that measurement at every turn. I remember my primary care doctor having me sign a document that had my height, weight, and BMI on it along with information about how I was overweight and at risk for diabetes, even though my bloodwork had always showed my blood sugar as being on the low side of the normal range. I remember when I was dealing with all the issues and symptoms that go along with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and having my OBGYN at the time tell me that I needed to not worry about how I'd get diabetes, I needed to worry about when because for one, it ran in my family, and for two, I had insulin resistance which usually goes hand and hand with PCOS. I remember the first time I stepped into my GI doctor's office. The older gentleman had more than a few extra pounds around his mid

Today was the perfect overcast spring day for an adventure. I'm beginning to want to explore again. I have all these ideas and a growing destination list that begins right around the corner. I better get started, so here's my take on a little afternoon adventure before the summer hear set in.  We started the day at Mercado San Agustin, mostly because we were hungry and partly because I had been craving something from Seis Kitchen. Breakfast tacos are an odd concept to me, but my mouth watered as the chorizo and sriracha hit my palate. I cleaned my plate and washed down the spicy goodness with an icy jamaica, which I hadn't had for a long time. It's my favorite, even over horchata. Jamaica is a Mexican drink, or agua fresca, made with hibiscus flowers. It's dark pink and sweet and refreshing. Full bellies called for some walking. I finally got to visit the MSA Annex, up the block from Mercado San Agustin. It's a trendy little outdoor shopping and dining

Man, I just gotta love when I feel the need to record some of my musings and then this lovely blogger program eats all my words and refuses to spit them back out.  I was reflecting on the face that I feel complete for the first time in a weeks. I feel like I can let go and just be happy and content. There are no lingering tasks at hand like sorting out looming finances or making sure the fridge is full again and we're not out of toothpaste. The kitchen is clean and dishes are put away and I'm not even worried about the upcoming lunch, snack and dinner messes. Laundry isn't piled up taller than my youngest and the cat box no longer is emitting cartoonish green essences into the air. My garden is not dead. The pool still has water. There are no overdue library books hidden in the depths of a child's sanctuary.  I have allowed myself some time to be pulled out of the mundane daily world and, in sharp contrast, put into the world I love. The one that never ceases t

I'm afraid of moving forward, which is exactly why I do it every day. I think that's what drives our nostalgia and love of the past. It has to be fear of the future with a nod to our own existential debate. Often internal, and more often lived out each day. I wonder why I'm here a lot lately. I wonder why I keep going. I keep writing waiting to find some sort of epiphany, that one idea to make everything right, to make everything ok. I keep writing to find that connection, the thing I'm going to love doing, the person that says I made a difference for them, the end to my worries. I lay here in bed thinking of all the things I want to do for myself. I'd love to get a hair cut that didn't involve 5 minutes in my bathroom with a plastic trash can and a pair of hair shears that came with an electric trimmer as a bonus. The idea of a beautiful hair cut and maybe even some color is so distant to me. I could really use a massage, but time eludes me when I have

About an hour and a half drive from midtown Tucson is indeed a summer haven for those brutal Tucson summer temps. At the top of Mount Lemmon lies the town of Summerhaven. With temperatures at least 20 degrees cooler, hiking trails and restaurants, it's the perfect summer day trip for locals and visitors. We had the perfect day trip in July, during monsoon season. We got to Summerhaven early enough to enjoy a short hike on the trail at the end of Turkey Run, aptly named for the wild turkeys roaming around in the early morning and calling out through the day. We stopped to photograph a fairy garden and leave our own momentos for other passerbys to enjoy. It was at least 25 degrees cooler than down in Tucson, which was a nice break from the dry heat. After building up an appetite, we walked to the Cookie Cabin for a carb fuelled lunch of giant pizzas, decadent oversized cookies and calzones that took an extra while longer to arrive. Waiting outside at a picnic tabl

The unbearably hard pull out bed was my constant reminder of all the times he did this for me. The lack of sleep I was already familiar with. My son said it smelled too much like hospital. I guess that's the only way yo describe this place.  We officially started Mark's Bionic Back Journey on the morning of June 3rd. It was a Monday. The Monday-est Monday that ever Monday-ed. No, really. Who the hell wants to start off their week with a large incision into their lower back to fuse to vertebrae together? I sure as shit don't wanna. I think two C-sections, a hysterectomy and a plethora of other surgeries have been a sufficient quota.  How did we get here? Well, around January 2018, Mark threw his back out (my husband, for those of you not totally in the know). It was actually a normal occurrence in his life (and mine too, I guess). I can recall plenty of times I've had to help him into the tub or out of a chair because said back was thrown out. This time was

Lately I'm super drawn to all these "mom" shows and I had no clue why. Then it hit me tonight while watching the new Christina Applegate Netflix joint. I like that I'm part of this eclectic generation of moms. You know the metal head moms, the goth moms, the crafty moms, the wine moms, the soccer moms, the working moms, the stay home moms, the 5k running moms, the love to bake moms, career moms, and every and all combos of such groupings. We are so far removed from wearing pearls to vacuum, but some of us still do and that's pretty cool too. Let's just leave all those wierd Jell-o dishes alone and reorganize our "ain't fucking cooking tonight" menus.  I like that moms are into having mom friends. You know, that other mom you can text about needing to hit that parent teacher conference with a shot of Baileys in your iced coffee. Not because your kid is being a jerk or because the teacher is reminiscent of a turn of the century school marm, bu

We caught the rain on the way back from Phoenix this afternoon. It was the usual day trip to see my pelvic pain and surgery specialist. This visit was far from usual. I caught myself wanting to pull over or, at the very least, stick my head out the car window and feel the cold hard rain wet my hair and pelt my carefully painted face. I wanted to physically wash away the worry and stress that came with these trips. I wanted just to feel the world around me from this new perspective. I have no where to go but up now. It may be that I have reached the pivotal point in my health where I may be in the clear from the recurrence of endo. The bleeding lesions may never appear again. I truly wish this to be with a degree of foreseeable certainty, but I'll take the large chance I now have of never seeing this brutal disease grow inside me again. And that small sliver of uncertainty and doubt can go in the trash. Really. I don't need that doubt. I need the clarity. I'm moving on f

"Love is in, hate is out" My daughter wrote that on our to-do white board. I told her we're adopting that as our mantra this week. We will choose love and will do things with love in mind. We had an amazing spring break. We didn't travel or really do too much, but we were together, which was what we needed. We got to be outside a lot, which was amazing. I grew to love morning coffee on the patio with all my plants and the company of the birds and hummingbirds that came to the feeder we put up. We also have plans to spruce up the patio a bit more by adding curtains to block the summer sun and a rug to make it a little more cozy. We are also just counting down until we can put the pool up, but I think we can wait til May.  This week has already been busy and will keep being busy, but we have all been ready for it. Yesterday was errand day to get things ready for our Coffee with the PTO event that was this morning. It was an easy event to put on and I

Mom I love you soo much. It sucks to see you in pain. I can't even tell you how much it hurts me and even Logan to see you like this. Even daddy cries when you are not around. For everything that has been going on lately you are a freaking superhero. And I know you miss Tata because we all do. Even Nana has been doing so amazing. She is such a strong woman. After, everything that she has been through throughout her life. And Nanie, she is so strong and staying together. Even if she has those days I love her so much. Tata I freaking miss you so much. I can't even tell you how much I miss you. I am special to even know my great grandfather. Mommy keep up the good work. And you can tell me anything. I know I can trust you, as well. You are so brave and probably won't ever get rid of this but you can fight through it. I love you! My superhero!! BTW: I know my writing isn't great but who cares!            Bella, your baby angel :3

Last weekend we kicked off Spring Break with a trip to the Asian Lantern Festival at Reid Park Zoo. I had been wanting to go since hearing about it just after Christmas. It was the second to last weekend of the event, so we decided to give it a shot. Tickets were a little on the pricey side, but we found the admission was well worth it! We were greeted by a dragon when we got to the ticket line, just after 6pm. It was starting to get crowded, but the line moved fast and we got a taste of the lanterns while waiting outside. This dragon arch was huge and looked awesome! Once inside, we walked between rows of the Chinese zodiac. I am a Monkey, my daughter a Pig, my son a Rabbit and my husband a Dragon. Those born in the year of the Monkey are highly intelligent, creative and driven by emotions. Kinda seems to fit me to a tee! While we waited for it to get dark, we enjoyed the lion dancers and stood beside this huge dragon! Loki got a handful of fortune cookies that the

If you're at all like me and have even the most minute sense of wanderlust in your heart, the easiest thing to do is to start with what's around you. With that, I welcome you to my first blog about one of my favorite spots here around Tucson, Arizona. Gates Pass is just about a 30 minute drive from midtown Tucson and so very worth that commute. Gates Pass is a scenic area of the Tucson Mountains that I have enjoyed visiting since I was a kid. It's one of my favorite places to take out of town guests for a close to town look at the majestic saguaros. Gates Pass was named after Thomas Gates, who in 1883 bought the land to build a road which served as a shortcut through the Tucson mountains to his mine in Avra Valley. Over 100 years later, it's a popular spot for a hike, or to just stand at the overlook and take everything in around you. The sunset views are spectacular and after a summer monsoon, the familiar smell of creosote fills your nose and lungs. Bring t

This week I'm focusing on moving forward. Even with the beginning of a new month, I have felt stagnant and unable to step out of my comfort zone. I don't like always being in my comfort zone because my heart and mind long for so much more.  It's amazing how things work themselves out once you relinquish your hold on correcting them. Sometimes a deep breath and stopping in the moment is all it takes. Now, I think I am able to take better hold of my health, even if there is still a rough road to travel. I can see how all things are connected and I have a plan to make it over that hump. My goal is to have both my migraines and my leg pain well controlled by June.  First, I am trying new meds and starting physical therapy again. I am back on muscle relaxers to stop a lot of the spasming in my hips. It has helped tremendously in the last few days. I am also back to wearing this cursed abdominal binder. I never wear it long after surgery because it's uncomfortable.

We drove to Phoenix yesterday for my post surgery follow up. I was a little surprised to find out that the pathology report came back that the excised tissue was not endometriosis. It was scar tissue. That was actually a bit of a relief that I may be in the clear now to move forward a bit more. I did find out that my continued pain is from muscle spasms. I am full of scar tissue (adhesions) in my pelvis. None of it was excised with my last surgery as it has worked to hold things in place in places that I've lost organs. OK, makes sense. Apparently the scar tissue can trigger muscle spasms, which causes pain. Not all hope is lost! We're hoping that a combination of medication and physical therapy should alleviate the pain. And even if that doesn't help eliminate the pain, we have a plan in for other things that can help. Now I'm just waiting to be scheduled for physical therapy again. I'm also going to keep trying my best to be active. I've been really

There are distinctly two different mes. I am forced to love them both. One side can get out of bed in the morning, have coffee,get dressed. The other me can't lift her legs out of bed. Shes a prisoner in her own body. Shes so full of medication, the world spins around her. She uses all her strength to shower. The first shower in two days. Her hair has finally been washed. She rubs body cream all over, even though her own hands on her skin hurt. The movement hurts. Standing becomes difficult. A clean dress instead of pajamas just to feel somewhat normal. Back in bed she goes. The next hurdle is to rehydrate. She fights back tears many times today. Sometimes the tears win. She's back in bed now, just wishing she could find the strength to get out of bed again. Comb her hair. Try to eat. She wants her children home with the normal her. She wants another dinner like last night. Happy. Healthy. Living. Because today isn't living. Today is trying. Coping. A test of w

I feel like although some days fly by me, February is still being a relentless bitch. Mark's birthday passed. It was uneventful this year and I hate uneventful events. Does that even make sense? It should for anyone that knows me. I'm the celebration queen and my crown is a sparkling mess. I think it went along with all the uneventful events of the last few months. Valentines Day was as good as it was going to get, but mostly because we just needed a damn break. We finally saw "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it was beautiful. It was the little piece of art I was looking for, that small spark that my soul needed. It was also great spending the day with Mark. Although we've spent countless hours glued together this last month, it was just nice to sit and not have to rush for anything or be somewhere or check off a list. That makes me think of something I said this weekend... while we were quickly getting ready for a family dinner, we noted that on Friday we wanted to

It's been 8 days since surgery. I'm finally starting to have good days with minimal pain and discomfort. I finally started to tackle my "to-do" list today and checked a few things off. I'm hoping to file my taxes next week and get that shit out of the way, as long as my W2 from work makes it here. After completing a few things today, I realized I'm at the mercy of my emotions lately. I am still dealing with depression and slight anxiety. I am still not sleeping too well. Just when I find the right combo of meds to take before bed, it all goes out the window. Sometimes I come out of a deep sleep thinking about my grandfather. I wake up disoriented and my heart is sad, yet I don't feel the need to cry. Sometimes I wake up with breakthrough pain, even just hours after taking my nightly meds. It strikes me out of no where and I wake up worried that I will need to go to the hospital. Falling back asleep is difficult when you refuse to go to the ER, but th

My son is very smart. He's a little sponge. And he's also an open heart, ready to just spew love. So, today he went to the school office complaining of diarrhea, the one thing they have to take his word for. Can't really check to see if the mud butt is in swing or not, right? My mom brought him home so I could take care of him. I needed to mend his heart a little. He's been afraid of losing me. He sees the sadness in everyone's heart since Tata has passed and he is so very afraid of that kind of sadness. He sees my mom sad because she lost her father. He sees his mother sick a lot lately. He has correlated the two, even though they are very different things. I feel a little lost explaining death to my son. I don't want to see him so sad or so scared. I want him to be able to move forward and love life like I know he can. I know we are all healing right now and I just hope I can help heal him a little more. I want to calm his fears and set his mind at ease

Sitting in a hotel in Tempe, Arizona this evening waiting on my husband to get back with dinner. I have to travel to see my pelvic pain specialist, as you probably know by now. I am nearing the end of my three day stay here to have my second laparoscopic surgery with this doctor. We were hoping this would be the start of figuring out my health decline. In addition to pelvic pain, I have debilitating migraines and what we think are symptoms of fibromyalgia. This is the beginning to answers and to healing that hopefully brings me a longer spell of good health.  I'm going to rewind to the beginning to December here (soon, i'd like to rapid rewind to document my female health journey). I had another follow up with Dr. Desai to discuss my worsening pain. She gave me two options. The first was pain management and physical therapy. The pain started when I was still quite active, running and walking on the treadmill as often as I could and also doing stretching and core streng

I tell you every day how much I love you and I will never stop. You have been there with me to hell and back, time and time again. Those trips aren't even worth recounting unless it's to remind myself just how much you mean to me.  You hold my hand through every step I take in this life. You are quick to pick me up every time I fall. You bandage my scraped knees and kiss my aches and pains away. Love is the best medicine I have ever had and you give me an abundance of it. I love to just look at you sometimes. I can get lost in your eyes, they're the most gorgeous green that I've ever seen. They truly are little windows to your soul, so full of the universe and everything that entails. I like to point out the ways you've changed through the years we've been together. The little white hairs in your beard remind me that we're growing old together. They match the silvery strands in my hair that I have chosen to keep dying away. Maybe one day I'll

I dont know why things like this are so hard to say face to face. Maybe its because through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, words fail to do any justice to emotions and feelings. Words are just a filler between holding you tight and wiping away my own tears. Words don't form well between sobs and the need reach deeper and deeper for strength. I want you to know you are strong. You are one of the strongest women in my life. It is amazing looking up to you. It's just as amazing trying to figure out your strength. I want you to know that I can never be truly mad at you for anything. Its just these horrible emotions. I don't know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell to get them out of me. And then I want to drown them down down down where they fail to exist. I want you to know that I see you in me every day. I don't know if it's a gift or a curse to love so purely that every atom of your being is reaching out to help everyone. It's

The pantry was definitely my inner self forcing me to live that metaphor. I feel like everything is a mess right now. There's so much going on. So much noise. So much on my plate. We've gotten through this before. It's the little victories that pull us through. Saturday evening and ran a quick errand to pick up some much needed medicine. I ran into an old coworker that really brightened my day. It was nice to see someone that I enjoyed working with. It was even super cool that she wished me a happy birthday, remembering that our birthdays are a day apart. It's those little details that people remember that make you feel good. After the nice conversation, I headed home. On the corner of the street on the way home I see a little blonde girl with her dad standing, holding a Girl Scout Cookie sign. It immediately made me think of my Bellini and her dad. They were such a perfect cookie selling team. It's been bittersweet not selling cookies this year. I had to stop a

Last night I lay in bed, wide awake, thinking and feeling everything in my life at all once. I felt like that evening last week when the sky was dark and grey all day and then, ever so slowly, the clouds opened up to reveal the sunset. One by one, an aura of beauty was revealed as each color shone in the sky. It was yellow and then orange. Pink arched through the clouds as they turned to purple. Then the last bit of blue shone through before it darkened into the night sky. I felt every color rushing through me as an emotion. Anger. Grief. Pain. Solace. As the stars began to shine through their blanket of dark, I began to match each point with something in my mind. I still don't know how to feel, but I know I felt that sunset and then a pinch of light with each star in the sky.

  I've been doing that thing again where I start to write, but then the idea gets lost somewhere and I never finish it. My list of drafts is getting pretty long. At least I have quite a few tidbits to read through in case I ever need an idea, right? I've been thinking about blogging about how my make-up routine changes drastically the more my "spoonie" days show up. Honestly, there isn't a thing in life that endometriosis hasn't changed. It's overwhelming to think about. I've been sort of breaking things down in my head. Make-up for starters. The way I dress has changed. The things I eat changes weekly sometimes. Relationships and friendships change. Really, this list can get huge.  I'm sure you know by now that I love make-up, especially make up in bold, different colors that I can play with. I live by the idea that a day without eyeliner is a day wasted. I like my eyeliner, but there's just some days that getting on face cream i