Chronic Ama

I think I just fell into some sort of revelation about myself. I think I need to define myself in a sense to achieve a sense of self. Which makes no sense, since I, as a human being, am quite dynamic and any static sense of self makes me uncomfortable. I need to keep changing and growing to be comfortable. I like a challenge and I like reaching goals.  Unfortunately my health seems to be this ugly static entity looming above me. I have forcefully refused to be defined by it, but every day I am reminded about the challenge I have just sort of putting up with it. My growing frustration at things I haven't been able to change is an ugly reminder of being manic depressive. I have been so angry at things I cannot change or control at the very given second they come to fruition.  Not to mention the anger I feel at my ever present hot flashes. I am at the end of my endometriosis treatment after a very long year (2015, I'm talking here), of "dealing" with it. And,

Three days of exercise and watching what I eat down... This shit is cake. What isn't cake is a cat that hates the new puppy and two kids that don't leave the poor puppy alone. I'm tired of trying to make everyone get along. I'm lonely right now and a little sad, but I'll get over it. Or maybe I'll run away. I need a vacation from everything. A nice pool. Some room service. A massage. Sleep. Haha! Yeah, right. Suck it up buttercup. Nurse your knotty muscle and your sore ass cheek (Lupron number three hurt like hell), get some sleep and do it all over again tomorrow. Fine.

Will power is not about refusing dessert for me. I don't deny my indulgences, but portion them instead. Will power was not running tonight and sticking to the doc's advice of taking it slow. But, gawd, my bones ached to run with each step I took. It was so beautiful outside and I craved the wind in my hair. Slow is the name of the game. I'm going to get better and keep my body in check. No more emergency rooms. No more pain. Well,  unless it's the pain the Day after a good work out. Two days of exercise and watching what I eat down. It's cake! I got this! What isn't so easy.... Puppy baths

Day One of getting back into the game. Eating right, exercise, moving forward. Started a round of toridol for pain and inflammation, since after two Lupron injections, I still took a trip to the ER. Third injection is on Tuesday, which is also the last day to take the toridol. Monday, I'll also be making an appointment with a pain management doctor to see what they can do to help. I am more than over pain killers! I'm looking forward to a trip to San Diego in September. It's already booked! It's going to be fabulous! Anyhow, let's see how long I can move forward without tripping on my shoe laces. Who's with me?

Let's see if this blogger app is still a complete fail....

After two percocets, the pain in my back is still so intense, I'm on the couch wide awake. There is absolutely no position I can get comfortable in. To top it off, my stomach has also been so upset that all I've had today is a yogurt and a sandwich. My stomach is growling, but the thought of food is making me nauseated. Just gotta keep sucking it up here. I've actually considered going to the ER just for better pain meds, but I am too exhausted to actually follow through. It's just me and my crazy thoughts tonight. I'm wondering who actually reads this shit. And if you do, who actually cares? If you're up to it, leave a comment here. I haven't had one of those in ages on this blog. It's OK, you can just keep scrolling now....

RAfter reading again and again on my news feed about getting back in shape, I'm wondering how many of you have followed through.. Or fallen through? I'm not quite work out ready yet and after bed rest and surgery recovery, I'm holding at 155 pounds. Yesterday my work out consisted of cleaning the bathroom, popping a Percocet and then finishing laundry. As much as I wanted to go walking today, I opted to detail my car and clean out Mark's car. Two birds, one stone. Burned about the same amount of calories and I feel accomplished. Protein shake for lunch! Let's see what tomorrow brings since now Friday is my new ETA to get an appointment with my doctor. Oh yay, waiting game fun times.

I'm officially on leave from work until I can start these stupid injections and get back to feeling better. I was supposed to hear back from the doctor's office last week, but I called them Thursday morning and Friday morning and haven't heard anything back. Ok, so it was technically a holiday weekend. I left another message this morning. I just feel like I'm racing against a timer now and the longer everyone drags this out, the less time I have to feel better. Does that make any sense? It sort of does, but nothing makes sense to me lately.  I feel fucking useless. I can't work right now because I miss more days than I actually work. I can't really start exercising again because about 3 hours into my day, the pain starts. When I start getting stabbing pains, if I don't take a pain killer right away, then the pain just gets worse and worse. I already feel like my family is sick of me and being in pain doesn't help things. This morning I'v

Today I reached that point in time where I just had to lay in bed and think about everything. I can't rush time and I certainly don't want to slow it down. So much ran through my mind, but the lingering thought was how damn uncomfortable I am. I feel like I'm in thr last month of pregnancy again. I have to pee all the damn time. I'm always hungry, but the pressure of my swelling makes me feel like everything I eat is huge and heavy. I'm overly emotional. I'm exhausted. But, I still don't think I've reached my breaking point. Aside from all the waiting games, I have been in constant contact witb the doctor's office. I'm going to stick it out one more day at work and then finally take a leave until I am back to my old self. At least now I know that by next week I should be able to start the first injection that will eventually provide some long term relief. My goal is to make it more than two years without needing surgery or having these shitty s

Last Tuesday I was told that I needed pre-approval from my insurance to start Lupron injections to help alleviate my endometriosis. I was told it would take a week and that if I hadn't heard anything in a week, I'd have to call back and see what was going on.  This morning I was able to follow up and was told that approval can take up to a month. Which, given the cost of the treatment and that it's only recommended if birth control pills don't help, I could understand why the wait. But, of course, I had my doubts still.  After two hours on the phone with insurance and leaving messages for the doctor, I find that my primary insurance doesn't require authorization for Lupron and that my secondary insurance should be able to approve it over the phone since they are secondary and are not covering the full cost.  Now I am only waiting on my doctor's office to stop dragging their asses and call for the authorization (which I left them the direct phone

Allow me to wallow for a moment. Have had a three day streak of feeling better than I have in quite a while. Now, I'm bored and lonely at home wishing I had someone to just pop some YouTube videos on the TV and share my fridge full of beer with.  This has got to be the downside of being in your mid thirties. Most of your friends are also married, have kids or probably have to go to work tomorrow morning.  This sucks. I thought about finding some younger friends, but most younger people are just fucking stupid. Notice, I didn't say ALL! So, don't get your panties in a bunch. Or do... like I give a fuck what you think, right? Also, I'm feeling really fucking old realizing that the first Coal Chamber CD came out when I was still in high school. I bet some of you were in kindergarten in 1997... Just saying. or... stating a fact. Maybe I'll just fuck with everyone on Facebook for a while and then fall asleep watching horror movies. Because, fuck

Guess who made it through a whole day at work and a trip to the Easter Bunny?!? I think making sure I take my medicine when I'm supposed to is making a big difference. Thank Satan for cell phone reminders!!! Still waiting on the doctor to call to see if the Lupron shots are going to be covered by insurance. I really don't want surgery any time soon. Plus, I've read great things about the effects of Lupron on Endometriosis pain. Going to work for a few hours again tomorrow! Then I'm taking the afternoon to rest up. I have a celebration to look forward to this weekend. It's time to tuck the kids in. Until tomorrow....

Ok, I'm seriously excited to go to work tomorrow! How lame is that? I need something to distract me from the what ifs. I did find out today that I have another bad case of Endometriosis that is causing the pain and bloating. I'll be starting Lupron injections if my insurance will cover it. If not, surgery may be the best other option. Also, starting the injections makes the symptoms worse for the first few weeks to a month, so I may be taking a leave from work again. Blah. But, I've already started on a budget and started meal planning again. I'm also going to research some low impact exercise to keep me moving or I may just start walking again. I need to be as normal as I can through this transition. I've got a lot on my mind! But, I'll leave you with this... My new dress for the wedding of the year this weekend....

I chose this lovely picture of endometriosis because of the "thick gelatinous" description. That's kinda what I picture going on in my belly as I type.  I had yet another surgery on February 20th in which they removed another hemorrhagic cyst, a little scar tissue, and a lot of endometriosis.  All was well after two weeks and I went back to work. On the fourth week post surgery, I was hit with a horrendous pain and a bloated, swollen belly. That has never happened after surgery. Also, going on a month since the surgery, I wasn't able to wear regular pants without a deal of discomfort. Something was not right.  My doctor diagnosed me with a post surgical infection. The pain got better for a day, then was right back to drop me down, kill me now level. Of course, that meant that I had to go to the emergency room. In the emergency room, they found no sign of infection or of abscess. They diagnosed me with just lingering post surgical pain. My doctor u