Chronic Ama

I'm in the waiting room at a medical center waiting on my beloved while he is finally receiving the first phase of relief from back pain. It's been a long road to get here. Isn't pain such an interesting thing? I am no stranger to pain, having spent the majority of my adult life dealing with it, in all it's multiplicity. I have fought to have my pain validated. Saying that feels so very strange. Maybe validated isn't the right word. I think it's a hard thing to understand since it seems so individual. Pain is defined as distressing feeling caused by intense stimuli. That sounds so elementary. Anyone who has ever been in pain knows there's so much more to it than that. If we only talk about physical pain, that too can be so much more than what you just feel physically.

I've been debating on talking about how I'm feeling. I always freely talk about my dealing with endometriosis and my insights and a little about how I'm feeling, but I think it just touches the surface. It may also be the fact that it's been well over a year since I've felt this bad. The last truly bad time I've had was before my last surgery in August 2017. I made it through the summer and working the busy season at work, but before surgery, it was tough. It could also be that since the last bad time I've had, I seem to have gotten progressively worse. I'm also falling into a mild depression again. It has been over 2 years since I've had problems with depression and anxiety and have needed medication. I don't think I'm to that point yet and I'm trying my damnedest not to get to that point.  My pain is getting worse. For months I've had joint pain and endo pain, but usually at different times. My endo pain has also been under

Someone else should narrate my life for a day. I crave that insight. How mundane I must be. Maybe not as strange and unusual as I feel in my own skin and must emanate outward? I came in the door pretty late after 2100 hours last night. Walked in to my wife on the recliner, reading, listening to the same CD I've had on repeat because she left it in the car 3 days ago. She was stoned and had an empty glass of red wine on the table beside her. I knew from her texts that she had a rough afternoon, so I was glad she was relaxing. I honestly couldn't wait to just get in bed. I think my sense of self is constantly evolving. I think my interest was piqued when I read something along the lines of a person is not just one person. A single individual is actually comprised of many different versions of that individual. I get it. I'm not the same person to my husband as I am too my mother or my daughter or my son. Yes, these are different relationships, but each has a distinct

I  I apologize for my absence. I don't feel I owe an explanation, though.  The most wonderful time of the year is upon us, but I've been putting off making my to do list and actually accomplishing anything in any logical order. I have been randomly taking on tasks and then kicking myself for the ones I don't accomplish. I really need some time to plan things out and stay on top of things before it's December 23rd and I'm out of steam.  I have been reading more again. I'm hoping to get to the bookstore next next week to do some christmas shopping and hopefully pick up a few things for myself. I need to dedicate a whole day to the bookstore, though, because I can easily spend hours there.  I  have started an old book again. It's the memoir of Adam Nergal Darski, front man for one of my most favorite bands, Behemoth. We have a lot of similar ideas about religion and it's interesting the memories the very first page brought to the forefront

It's 2:15 in the afternoon.  I only worked 4 hours today, but my body feels like I worked 10.  I finally got my B12 shot. For the 1st time it made my arm hurt pretty bad. I don't know how to say this but I've been slowly feeling depressed again.  I start my leave from work on Tuesday And that's not really a bad thing. 18 years of working with a company... It's gonna be a little sad to start my leave because I know I'm probably not coming back. If anything I'm not looking forward to missing the people that I have grown to love over the years. I know this is the right decision for me, though. I think for the 1st time in a long time I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I have no plans for the 2nd year in a row and I don't even know if I want to celebrate. That makes me sad because I love celebrating anything and everything. I don't care about getting older. It just feels like my life is changing so dramatically. It's also hard to celebrate

Today was shit from the start, no matter how hard I tried. My doctor appointment was rushed, so I didn't get my B12 shot, nor did I get to ask many questions. Silver lining... I got leave of absence paperwork completed and got my handicap placard paperwork sent in. Yeah, I dislike driving lately and have a hard time walking around when I'm running errands. Not sure if it'll help, but I'll take closer parking. Leave of absence company called me after receiving paperwork so quickly and my case manager was an ass. Condescending wanker. Basically told me they needed to call my doctor for medical evidence that I needed to be on leave. And now I have to see if my specialist is going to recommend surgery, which will ultimately push my leave through. It's safe to say that id put money on going under the knife soon. Midday goes fine. I'm over the morning. Then, I pick my kids up and the fun begins. I'm heading toward an intersection to turn right, going to another

I've been awake for over an hour, watching the sun come up. I caught a cold from my son and have been coughing and coughing since it was still dark out. And the coughing has brought a lot of pain today. Yesterday too, but not this bad. I feel like I should be used to it. It happens most mornings. My feet ache and I have to grip the edge of the bed and the door and the wall to make it across the hall to the bathroom. And then after a while, it dulls and I can ignore it. This morning my back aches, likely from the cough, and the pain in my legs has me slowly breathing in and out so I won't cry out loud. Being sick triggers a pain flare. I remember back in January I had the flu. Once I was over it, my body just gave up. I was in physical therapy and I rememver my husband having to take me and help me walk in. I didn't want to miss a session and it was important to me for my therapist to see what a bad flare looked like. After all that, I ended up taking a few weeks of work t

Welp, after such a fantastic day yesterday, I started off my Thursday completely achy and with a terrible case of the dropsies. I sacrificed an egg attempting to make breakfast. The recliner was so very accommodating after that. Currently I'm in a hellfire bath in an attempt to make my legs work. I'm hoping the meds I took help out a bit too. I'm looking forward to the monthly PTO meeting later, so it'd be really nice if my body could cooperate. I actually started using a different pain logging app called Pain Scale. I have abandoned Phendo for a bit since then pain I've been experiencing is only partly endometriosis pain. I don't think the endo is causing my joints to hurt like this, even though there is a possibility I could have endo lesions on my nerves. I actually can't wait to see my doctor next week and then to see my specialist the following week. My neuro follow up was also bumped up, which I'm happy for. Maybe we can make some sense of every

I've been feeling great the last two days and all I can think of is how the pendulum of my health swings to such extremes. Lately I try to keep track of everything to see what sets me off and what doesn't and there really is no rhyme or reason to any of it. This past Saturday morning, I could barely walk and it took an awful lot of medication to get me through the day. It was a great day in the end, but one still filled with lots of pain. And then today, I got up at my regular time, started laundry and picking up the house and then went outside to start to paint the porch. It was such a huge difference from how I felt just days before. On good days like today, I can't even fathom how I could have been in so much pain. I try not to waste a second of a good day. I don't know if I mentally put all the bad days in the back of my mind or if I hyper focus on feeling so good. It boggles me. Completely. I also never know how I am going to feel the next day. Today's da

Today is election day. I'm actually finishing my mail in ballot this morning and dropping it off at the polling place up the street. October got away from me because I was busy having fun. Plus, I think I needed the pressure of last minute to make my decisions. There's just too much going on in the world today. I actually may even watch the news later to see what's going on with the results. It's also a good thing to be an example for my kids. They'll be voting someday too.  Aside from voting today, I'm home with the LokiDoki monster who has a fever. I've decided that I'm going to let his fever run its course today. He needs to be better for school tomorrow. I've also had the sore throat for 24 hours now. I might as well rest up with him. I forgot to schedule my B12 shot last month, so my immune system may have taken a hit. I hate getting sick with everything. I'm glad the B12 shots have helped since I started them in March, after getting

I'm at work this morning and I'm miserable. I feel great today, but I have grown to despise the toxic environment that my workplace has become. No one is happy. And that bothers me. I've always read articles about why employees are unhappy and the thing that sticks out to me is that people don't usually quit jobs, they quit bosses. I feel that rings very true lately. I have seen so many people leave simply because they feel there is a huge lack of respect lately. That has been my nail in the coffin. I have 7 shifts left before I take a leave again. Yes, my health does play a role in this. But my health has always been a factor in everything. And, previously, despite my health, I have always tried to give my job 120% because of the people I have worked with. Now, I honestly can't change how people treat each other. I have tried, but the lack of communication and kindness has already left an irreparable rift in the environment and toxicity has seeped in and d

I've decided this morning that all I want to do is immerse myself in music and art and books. Basically, all the things that make me happy and make me forget how afraid I am.

Your traditional idea of a haunted house just happens to by my dream house. Something old and in need of love and full of life not of the living.  Today is not about my dream house of haunts. Or pumpkins. Or treats. It's really about the beginning of a time of year when we come together. It's a wonder that the first of the fall and winter holidays is All Hallows Eve, the beginning of the time set aside to remember our loved ones long since gone.  Tonight there will be magic all around and warmth in my heart.